All the Emotions = ME

My life i just full of all the feelings. I have had all the emotions you could possibly experience in a short 6 day time span. It is funny to me that in my disease you never know what you are going to get any given day…. Sometimes the given hour. As I evaluate the week and all the emotions, I think it is important to share why mostly what you see and read is “bad”. I share the bad because that is when I need the release, if I share the bad it isn’t stuck inside eating me alive. The good, I don’t write about, but I should. I don’t spend enough time celebrating the good days because I am so scared of the bad days that I know are looming ahead. I decided today we talk about them all, we talk about what a normal week looks like for me and all the emotions that are cycled through. Maybe talking about the happys of the week will help get me out of the funk of another bad day.

Happy/Proud/Excitement- Last Monday was a happy day. After living on my own since I was 18, I finally took on all of my own bills and realized I finally have my feet established beneath me. The past 4 years I’ve felt like I was barely treading water to now realize I didn’t have a clue what it felt like to actually be in control of my own life. With all of the stuff we have had going on, I was completely oblivious to the fact that I actually was in control and making a good name and life for myself. Going into a car dealership by yourself and knowing I am walking out with a new car of my very own is intimidating and invigorating! I had been looking at this car for two months and it was exactly the car I wanted and honestly, I had ridden the wheels off of mine. It gave me nine long years of amazing rides but I was now scared to drive it longer than to my mom’s house in fear it would breakdown sooner rather than later. I was not in a peopling mood, so I knew this day was going to be tough for me but I was going to have to stick it out. I walked in knowing what my price would be and not a smidge over it. I walked out with my car for my price and some awesome insurance perks to help me in the long run. To not linger on, I was proud. I was proud that I did it, I was proud that I didn’t chicken out and make excuses. I was proud that I was able to financially able to even have that thought after so long struggling to make ends meet. Will money be tight, sure, but why have money if you can’t buy things you want or need and can’t give to those around you that need it more than you do.

Sad/Hurt/Let Down- The day after I got the car, I got my feelings good and hurt for the first time in a very long time. I had things held against me because my life went to hell in a handbasket this year. I had my yearly raise questioned because it depends on “whether I have my life together” at raise time or not. If you want to kick someone when they are down, tell them that they are not valued enough to even get their measley 3.25% raise because they had to take medical leave and days off to get their shattered life together. Tell a person who makes well under the mid-range pay for their job, that they don’t deserve a compression raise because things out of their control interfered with their everyday life. If I hadn’t gotten my work done, or my performance had slipped, understandable, but when all the work still got accomplished, I’m not sure what ground there is to stand on. This hurt me… and deep. I know I take things way to personally and internalize them (that’s what I’m good at) but it feels like an attack against my disease. Granted, only my direct supervisor knows about my disease, but what is being held against me is going through a divorce and having to take medical leave, and not being okay some days during the summer and being disengaged or depressed… I can’t really express how hurt I am by this so I’m going to leave it where it is and try to let it go.

Happy/Love- Happy things… love. I have felt love again, and in its most raw and unpredictable fashion. Love is one of those things we are never in control of. We are never in control of when we find it, how deep it is, if it's consensual, or when one falls out of it. It is one of those scary, beautiful things in life we live for but never understand. I am a true believer that love finds you when you are not looking for it, but you need it the most. Love may find you in the form of friends, romantic partners, pets, or whatever form you need the most. Thankfully, mine was in the best form I could have asked for, and even on my worst days I know I am loved beyond measure for exactly who and what I am. My quirks and flaws are nothing to this unbreakable bond that has held me together during the deepest, darkest months of my life. When you find that bond, there is no way to show enough gratitude for what blessing has been given to you. I live each day to show that exact kind of love back and make others feel loved, adored, and appreciated for everything they are and are not.

Indifferent/Nothingness- Most days I am indifferent, I become a pile of down, emotionless nothing. Sometimes that is more depressing than being depressed. I hate not having any emotion at all and caring less about most things I have going on. It takes a lot of coaxing and reminding myself of the tasks I need to get done to actually feel accomplished during the day. I want to care so much, I want to have the drive to do stuff, and that seems to be one of the things that has gone away the fastest. My dreams are big, the energy to put into the drive to get it done, not so much. Indifferent sucks. Indifferent makes me feel like the lack of a person, like I have no personality and no reason to be on the planet, so it saddens me that on most days I feel indifferent.

Frustration/Lack of Understanding- Frustration is an emotion that comes up frequently. I get frustrated pretty easy lately and it usually isn’t at anyone but me or what’s going on in my body. I get frustrated about medication, and the switching up of meds. I get frustrated with all the cognitive issues that have been caused by my depression and bipolar. It is really disheartening to me to not be able to remember things that my mom asks me about when we are reminiscing. I keep reading that it is okay to have cognitive issues, and that is is normal, but it still doesn't make me feel any better or less frustrated. I get frustrated that I cannot train like I did even a few short months ago. I have a lot of frustration with my body and my mind and why it is doing this to me. That comes with acceptance, and though I don’t want there to be a stigma to my disease… there still is…. And I still don’t want to admit that I have what others think is a monsterous or fake disease.

Elation/Gratitude- SPAZ is a little over a year old and has grown substantially! Mom and I have worked so hard to help it grow and even through all the bad, we have put our effort into this dream. Today we officially were able to open a sign up for the team, that has created many other open doors for us! Even with the let downs and the lack of understanding, I am happy to see that something I have out my heart and soul into is coming to life before our eyes. I could never thank my Mom enough for helping me see this vision and pursuing it! The big things we have in store for SPAZ are the only goals that seem obtainable, as that has been the only thing I have seen true progress in. I have the best support system that have helped keep the dream alive to which I am extremely grateful!

Just a post about how the emotions range in any given week/day….. One more day alive to pursue a life that helps others know they are not alone and that they also have a reason to live, my mom and SPAZ are mine.

#OurStoryIsntOver

#BreakTheStigma

P :):