The Thoughts of #2

I don't know why when something gets in my head I need an answer. I go on this power struggle of the unknown is NOT going to work for me and I get obsessed with answers. I also think life should fit in my perfect bubble of time and space, which it does not... And logically I know all of this is normal because the unknown is scary for everyone and no one likes not knowing what the future holds, but still, the obsession is overwhelming.

We always said we wanted two (or more, I say two) children. The only child syndrome just wasn't for us. Then we had the perfect child..... and now the struggle with the thought of how to love someone as much as we love this kid is overwhelming. Again, logically I know, all parents do it. You love every child the same but different, I get all that, but the logical side of my brain is not the one I get to work with regularly, so...... Ryan has a brain that works a lot better than mine and he is in the same boat here. Back to the main story line here, I have decided I am ready, at least on most days. I do have the thoughts of I just got to a point where I am able to workout and race again and yes I still have guilt, but know Way is fine and has fun with dad doing different stuff than we do during the week. I do have thoughts of, my brain has days where I don't know how I am going to get through the day with this one emotionally charged psycho (me) and and emotionally charged toddler, how would we then add another boob crazed monster to this mix and me still say somewhat sane.... but those days are far and few between in the grand scheme of life.

I think the one thing that makes me hesitate is the lack of help we have now. The lack of relationship we are able to have as a couple and adding/starting over would be tough on our relationship that we are already struggling to build back up, but the strength of our relationship is not something I worry about ever causing an issue, it's just not where we loved it being pre-children, but the lack of help when we could use a break or need to go to an appointment or whatever else is challenging. I don't think I ever pictured myself raising my child alone without outside help, IE grandparents, aunts or uncles, or what have you. I think the multigenerational households had things really figured out! It takes a village and when you don't have one it is really hard.....

All of those things together actually pull together the reason I DO want another child. To build my children a village. It is so lonely where Ryan and I sit. We feel like we are on an isolated island and we don't want that for our child/children. I wish I had someone I was close to and could depend on regularly that made it easy to ask for help instead of burdensome. Not that I want to pawn my child off on anyone, but I have been on a date with my husband maybe 5x since my son was born. I have taken him to every doctors appointment and have been doing therapy virtually sometimes while playing blocks, cars, or trains, and for him, he hasn't really learned to depend on any adults other than mom and dad. Maybe I just like the thought of multigenerational families and villages and having trustworthy people within short traveling distance and that just doesn't exist anymore, but I can build it with my little ones.

I get these grandiose "I can be the change in the world" thoughts, like we can be different than most families and grant it, there are families that I see that I would love to mimic the love and respect they have for each other, what keeps us from being the family that has kids that hate each other and never talk to each other once they don't have to anymore. I try not to think on that side of things as much because I feel like all I can do in that situation is love them and raise them the way I feel like we should with our values and morals and respect/love for one another then at some point their decisions are out of my control, but how do we manifest what we want in a family and in a tribe?

The fact that I love my son and my partner so much that growing our tribe excites me and makes me feel whole, tells me I am in the right place, whether I know all the answers or not. The love I have for the two people that occupy my household is UNREAL and adding to that only feels right and that maybe, even if no one else in this world feels that way, that it is one positive shift in the world, bringing two small humans into this world that are raised on nothing but love, respect, hard work, and support.

Our Story ;sn't Over!

P<3