I probably Should Write This Shit Down

Everyday I have spells of times where I feel very productive when it comes to thinking, usually when I am not able to write a damn thing down. I have great ideas and feel inspired or I have thought provoking pieces of insight that I would like to delve in to, but once that moment is over, I feel like the creative juice dries up and takes the good ideas with it.

I have good ideas to write about as well, then life happens for 76 hours straight without a quiet moment to write and that good stuff goes too. I started this blog so others could identify with someone going through life trying to win the fight over mental illness, it has morphed a big, but still holds true. Now I am a mom and partner fighting mental illness and now the stakes seem higher.

I will say progress has been made!

Progress #1 -When my psychiatrist literally disappeared off the earth and stopped answering my phone calls, my medication ran out. It probably was the best thing that could have happened, but it didn't feel like it at the time, and the two months after that with withdrawal and regulation, it still didn't feel grand, but it worked out! Now I don't say that so you go take yourself off of your medication because I did it and it turned out okay, at one point in my life I NEEDED that medication to LIVE, but as life has ebbed and flowed, the point I am in right now I did not. With that being said, that does not mean I do not need medication, the type and dosage needs have changed. When I went off the medication, again unintentionally, it was all ahnds on deck in my household as it was a full family change, but after a few weeks I talked to Ryan and said, "From what you see, how am I doing?" Let me also add in here that in the interim of my old psychiatrist falling off the earth and being fully unmedicated and regulating I was frantically looking for a new psychiatrist with a horribly unimpressive visit with one, I decided maybe this was a good thing in my life right now. Back to the story, Ryan thought I was BETTER! He said yeah I was a little more emotional and unpredictable mood wise, but that I overall was much better! I was floored!

That was in November, right before Thanksgiving which I am sure REALLY helped things because I hate the holidays and they are overwhelmingly stressful for me, so if I made it through that point unmedicated and withdrawing then damn maybe we were on the right track! Since then I have had a few manic and depressive episodes, I actually feel I was better able to manage them unmedicated, that could be bipolar brain talking, but they didn't seem to last is long and I felt that the logical side of my brain was more able to battle the irrational side. The depressive episodes coming off of the medication trying to get regulated was hard. They were deep and scary, but when you have the best baby on the planet to look at and tend to every day, that really helps. It isn't a far fetched statement to say he is the reason I eat, sleep, and breathe most days but especially on the hard ones. If it wasn't for him and Ryan.... well we don't have to wander far to guess how different this life would be.

Progress #2

I have been seeing my therapist for years now. Gah maybe 2019 or 2020? Anyways, I refer to him as one of my "favorite goobers" when I talk about how much I love my therapist. There are times when I feel like, WTF am I doing this for, I have put so much money into this and I am not getting better and this is stupid and I could be napping instead (fucking brain demon), but I have days of clarity where I get to look at how far we have come and it is really fun and exciting when I get to be there. I feel like we have made huge leaps in a lot of places, details not needed here because that is a DEEP WORM HOLE, but the fact that I do feel more confident in my ability to make decisions and that this brain, while broken, is also very useful and capable is an extremely big deal.

Progress #3

I no longer feel like I shouldn't have or shouldn't be trying to bring a kid into the world because of my mental illness. I don't give myself a lot of kudos, and later today I will probably bash myself for something else, but in this moment, I think I am a good mom to my boy. Now it is helpful he was made by me and the most perfect man on the planet and that he is my doppelgänger and loves me unconditionally, but anyways, I have my moments and I text my mom and say, "Am I the worst mom ever?!" In which she assures me I am pretty far from that list and life goes on, but honestly, I pour my entire heart and soul into being a mom. I always knew that was what I wanted to be, I wanted to be a mama, and it hasn't disappointed and it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me! The excitement of possibly having another member of the Hodges' gang in the next year or so keeps me up at night. The thought of seeing my perfect, precious boy being a big brother and loving a new addition to our family gives me the heart flutters. I don't feel like I am making a big difference in the world, and I struggle with that, but who knows, raising actual good humans may be exactly what the world needs for me to do!

There are more, but you got the highlights. With that said, I am five years into my diagnosis and battle with the brain demon. It is by no means easy, I wouldn't even say it has gotten easier, but I get stronger, I get better armor and better defense mechanisms of fighting off the damn demon that wants to kill me. Don't give up y'all, I know it is so hard and in the moment, death feels so much better than life, I still have those days, but at some point, the good will outweigh the bad and you will be so thankful you stuck with it on the hard days!

Our Story ;sn't Over!

P <3