Let The Training Begin!

Team SPAZ’s first official race season begins January 5th and training for the biggest race of the season began TODAY!

This year is going to be about experiences, trying new things, breaking new barriers, and being overall stronger, happier, and present in my everyday life and training/racing. The year is beginning to wind down and the anticipation and preparation for next year’s endeavors are starting to ramp up, but this training year I hope is different. I hope I find more joy in the journey, I find ways to be more present, disciplined, and thankful for the training days. I hope the racing with a true purpose makes this season even more meaningful and inspiring to those around me that need a little pick me up, but most of all, I hope it helps me find true meaning and peace throughout the challenges ahead.

This holiday season has been particularly hard on me. I have found a lot of resistance in wanting to participate and be present in anything. Even being with my family was really hard, not because I didn't want to be around them, but it was almost an overload of too much. I feel as if though so much has been going on the past 3-4 months has just completely flown by me at the speed of light. Now that it has gone, I’m sad I took those months for granted, but I am happy it has taught me to pay more attention to all the days ahead. The holidays have also brought a very jumbled mind full of feelings that are very hard to understand and too hard to put into words. The past few days with my family I spent a lot of time consciously paying attention and enjoying their presence. The empty chairs at the table speak louder than any of us ever have and regrets or do-overs are too often asked for.

As the plans begin to piece together and the holidays wind down and life becomes “normal” again, I hope that my brain will slow down and put itself back together. The emotional toll lately has been nearly unbearable. Things I normally have control of, the only things I feel I have control of, have been completely out of my control for the past 3 weeks which would normally elevate the stress levels anyways, but paired with the holidays has made for a very rough few weeks. Between loss of control and uncertainty, my brain feels like it’s very own jail that I cannot escape. Every single move I make is over analyzed, every single thought I take has 4-5 resolutions or options, and decisions seems to loom over me like an ugly storm cloud.

So in all that, I apologize for missing my weekly post last week. I wrote the beginning of three different posts and deleted them. They weren’t topics I could coherently speak about and even this post is a jumbled mess, but I was not missing another post. I hope that this weekend I get to post about the exciting endeavors and goals for 2019, but I also hope that the Brain Demon takes a vacation and gets off my back once I get home and am able to start piecing everything back together for the journey ahead.

I am so happy to have started this team/movement/family/group. Sharing my feelings in my posts has helped me tremendously. My family has stepped to the plate big time to show me the emotional support I need, as well as support for the team. Who knew that a long bike ride on my favorite trail would lead to helping others through their hardships that are so hard to explain. You think in your mind, “No one could ever understand what is going on in my head, Hell, I don’t understand it.” Then you read this blog (or if you are me, share this blog) and you realize you are not alone! You are never ever alone.

From the SPAZ Team/Family to You,

Merry Christmas!

P<3