The Annual Run & Somber Celebration

Every year there is one run I don't miss. It is a local 5K, no big deal, low key race, that is for suicide awareness and prevention. It is in the loving memory of a local man that died by suicide and raises money for a local mental health resource facility. This 5K is important for our community, but for me it is a day of celebration and sometimes overwhelming sorrow that I take very seriously each year.

For some reason, I have attached emotion to this race and deemed it the day I celebrate surviving another year. It's a celebration of another year having successfully outrun the Brain Demon, but not exactly what you want to "celebrate". Living with having the "angel (rational brain, but not always nicest reality) and demon" (irrational brain, never the nicest, but gives ways out) I feel like my life is a constant battle. Before I go on, this isn't a pitty party. I don't want sympathy and no one can take my journey away from me. It is to spread awareness that if you or someone you know has similar feelings, they know they are not alone and to break the stigma of mental health disorders and suicide. Every day is a battle between live or die. Sometimes the battle is passive and living easily wins, and some days it is an epic war of never knowing exactly if and how we will get through the day, like an all day endurance event to just stay alive.

I don't remember exactly when my suicidal ideation began. I do remember getting my first pocket knife somewhere between 10-13 and thinking, "Would it make me feel better if I cut myself with this?" As a teenager there were more times than I want to admit that I thought about harming myself and did in discreet ways that wouldn't bring attention to my pain. As an adult that is diagnosed and aware, I think about self harm a lot. The disheartening thing about that is I literally, LITERALLY, live the perfect life. I hav e an incredible husband who means the absolute world to me, goes above and beyind to make sure I am taken care of, loved, have everything I could ever want or need, supports my dreams and goals, challenges me to become any and everything I want to be. I have two beautiful kiddos that to us are absolutely perfect (though 4 years old can be quite a trying time some days). I get to stay home and be there mom full time. I get to cook meals for my family from scratch, every single day in a home that we love, in a location that we love, with no stresses of whether we are safe or able to get what we need, but my Brain Demon does not care.

Things the Brain Demon tells me, mostly daily:

• You don't deserve your family

• You are a terrible mom

• You are fat, lazy, and disgusting

• You'll never amount to anything. You are a waste of space.

• Why don't you free your family from the burden of yourself.

• If you were gone, Ryan could marry someone that he actually deserves and your kids would have a better life and mother.

• You should die.

• Why don't you just die.

• You could just die, then all of this would go away.

• Why are you eating you fat lard, you haven't done enough today to eat, you should die.

You get the picture....... multiply that by constantly 24 hours a day at least 4 days per week.

This year specifically, there have been very scary days. I think in the last few months good to bad ratio, the bad days have overcome, which is really scary and never happened before. Why it scares me is because at some point do I break down so much that I am no longer resilient enough to hold on? One of my dearest friends once told me, "You are NOT fragile" when describing me as a person. I took that is an endearing compliment that I quote to myself often, but what if I become fragile from the erosion of increasing bad days. I tell Ryan sometimes, hell often, that I want to hide under a rock. I have now physically created a rock by grabbing a huge blanket of family pictures and getting in a child's pose beside my bed covered by it. It's almost a safety net of, "you can feel bad here under your 'rock' but when you come out you have to be strong."

What are the positives and how did I overcome the year? Well I'm glad you asked! First and foremost I officially married the love of my life! We eloped and had a private ceremony with just the two of us that, that ties with my children's births (minus the pain) as the best day of my life. I found consistency and flexibility in my workouts and have shown awesome progress in my athletic abilities which I am very proud of. I've signed up for hard shit to keep me honest and to give me things to look forward to. They also remind me what it feels like to actually be alive and not just surviving. I have kept two small humans alive and mostly happy, which is a LARGE feat that should not go unsaid.

What's next? Ryan and I are working on some goals together that are exciting and scary, which makes them worth it! I have signed up for my first 50 mile race (training officially begins in 3 weeks) and I am hoping to raise $5,000 to donate to the Suicide Prevention Hotline - 988.

So today, I celebrate another year (EXTREMELY summarized) of beating the Brain Demon off of my back, I honor and mourn the loss of my uncle who was taken by the Brain Demon 21 years ago, and I raise awareness that we are NOT alone and the world may not need me, but it definitely needs YOU!

Happy "Lived Another Year" Day!

Our Story ;sn't Over <3

PSH