Last night Ryan says to me, "I can't wait for it to be next Wednesday when we can be home with our baby. I don't want to rush the stuff in between, but I am ready for that part." I thought to myself, hell so do I, but we could rush at least SOME of that part in between!
My therapist asked me yesterday at the end of our session what I was most "scared" of with the the BIG changes coming our way. I sat there for a while and I really didn't know what to say. I don't think I am scared of the pain of birth, I have some deep dark demons I think I can conjour up to help me get through that part, as well as having the best and most supportive birth team ever. I think all of us are kind of frightened at the thought of doing everything right and still needing a c-section, but something totally out of my control that I choose not to worry over. I am 100% certain once our tiny human is here we can keep it alive, loved, fed, and clothed with a lot of learning along the way, but what do I think my biggest fear actually is.... my broken brain.
Pregnancy has been a, slight, reprieve from some of the most severe symptoms of my Bipolar 1 disorder. Yes, I have had episodes when my hormones have changed, but I can only remember one big roller coaster ride in the past 10 months of carrying our son. Am I still a "good enough mom" if I my son has to watch me ride the roller coaster, that will inevitably effect him, forever? In my brain's fantasy world, I try to think of ways that I can be prepared for those bad days and have a plan for how I will still show our son that he is our absolute world whether mama can barely make it through the day or not. Before I got pregnant I always wondered was I being unfair to our child by bringing them into the world to a mama with a brain that can be so freaking sad in the happiest days of it's life.
What I can say is that no matter how broken my brain may be, I love Ryan and Waylon more than I thought was ever possible! They genuinely light up my life and give me something to fight for every single day. So yes, I am going to be a mama that sometimes stays in her pajamas all day and gives her baby boy extra cuddles, because selfishly I need them, but I will always be a human to my son. Yep, I want to be a superhero, but I am not. I want my son to think mama can take on all the bad guys, but the truth is, sometimes mama can't even handle herself getting in her own way. My new goal instead of trying to be something I am not, is to show our son how human we are and how that makes us so wonderful in our own way.
Our Story ;sn't Over <3
P