FEAR….. Fear can affect your decisions, your views, and/or reason you do or do not do certain things. Fear can stop you from doing things you love or taking risks you know are worth it, or even going after than person that makes your world a better place. Fear can cause you to hide in a corner because the world is too much too handle with too many scary opportunities, decisions, and situations. Fear can hinder your world and life in so many ways if you let it, but on the contrary, if you decide to grab that fear by the horns, you can take on the biggest, most rewarding challenges and conquer those things that are stopping you from having what you want most, achieving that dream, falling in love, making that new life, moving to that new place, taking that new job, burning your old diet books, asking for help, and so on. Stomping out fear can change your life and the lives of those around you that the fear is also hindering. Are you brave enough? Could you grab at least one of your fears and decide to take it head on? Here are some of the fears I am currently working through to take on that better and most rewarding life and holistic health!
Fear #1
Depression…. Medication… Help
I have fought taking medication for my anxiety for almost 10 years. When I started having panic attacks around 15 years old, medication was definitely a topic of discussion, but I was 100% against it. As I started to also see the depression creep in and the anxiety intensify, there have been many talks with me about medication. Those who love me have all but begged me to consider it and I have always said no. I was strong enough to fight this alone, I didn’t need medication. Medication equaled weakness in my mind, and weakness is not acceptable.
Last Tuesday took me to a new low… the lowest of low. I have had thoughts about suicide, but nothing like this. Nothing as intense as, “I need to die because this is too painful to handle.” “I need to take this burden off of those around me because I am not even able to function, how is this fair to my family, friends, and coworkers. I am a burden, I and everyone else, would be better off if I was dead.” Nothing as intense as planning your death and being so close to a funeral you could hear the music… that is the definition of FEAR.
Tuesday I knew I was officially out of control. I have tried everything in my control to handle what is going on in my brain, and with all of the proper things- working on my faith, eating healthy, daily exercise, journaling, reading, relaxing, working on adequate sleep (when able to sleep), being holistically well- it all didn’t matter. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain that we cannot control. It doesn’t matter how good life is and how well you are, or how hard you try. Depression is not a controllable disease, it does what it wants and you are the hostage. That fear of being a prisoner in my own body has led me to a decision I didn’t think I would ever consider. I cannot be holistically well if my brain is not on board and is not healthy, and we are far from healthy right now. So… we conquer the fear of talking about medical options…. We talk about temporary medications to help get the Brain Demon under control. I don’t want to be on medication forever, and I know for some it is a lifesaver, and it may be for me, but I just don’t like taking non-supplemental/herbal medications and would rather go in with a mindset of temporary help to get everything bearable again. This time I can’t seem to climb out of the hole at all, and that my friends is staring fear right in the face!
Fear #2
Starting Over. Creating a New Life. Making A New,Improved Me.
I started over on January 25, 2019. Every hope, dream, and aspiration I had created for myself, got snuffed out in the smoke of what had become my life, that was now burning to ashes in front of my eyes. When I left what I thought was my forever, I had no idea where my life was going. I lost all of my identity and all thoughts of what my life may actually look like one day. I lost my life goals, I lost the ideas and dreams of having a family, I lost my passion for the things I once loved. It was like that one major life shift, took everything I had ever wanted from me and left me in the middle of nowhere with nothing but two doggies and FEAR.
The good thing about having nothing, is you get to create everything. My life has been jumping one fear hurdle after another for 8 months now. Every time I think, okay this is going to get easier, another dimension is thrown into the mix and scary fear based decisions still come up. We are through the starting over part, we are established and past just survival mode, now we are in the fear engulfing, creating stage.
Creating a life for yourself brings in it’s own set of fears. “I didn’t do so hot last time how will this be different?” “Am I meant to be alone?” “Was I always the issue and didn’t see it, so how do I become not the issue now?” All of these plus a million more come to mind when I think of things I have come across while trying to sculpt this masterpiece of a new life. As an over analyzer of all things, I have spent many hours trying to decide what the purpose of my life is and how I am going to use it to help others. We are now getting to the place where I can see some kind of hope in my tunnel of life. I have figured out what I want to do with my career. I have decided that I do not want to live here forever, but where is unclear. In the revamping of my life, I decided I could have my own non-profit, I could write, and I could touch the lives of others around me through complete ramblings of a depressed mind.
Creating a new and improved me has been a ¼ of a step process at a time. Taking the babiest of steps to start towards the best, most holistically healthy me possible. I have added on just a little at a time, learning more and more about myself so that I can maximize my potential in becoming the best me. Sometimes when you are as broken as me, it takes a lot of soul searching to even understand where to start the new process. You are trying to see okay, what is actually right, let’s start from there! A little at a time, I have removed the negative things, people, and influences out of my life. I have created new things that make me happy and new routines that help me wind down. I spend everyday trying to find a little me time and trying to stay in tune with my body so I know where to go next. Listening to your body itself can instill fear sometimes, as your body (if you include your BRAIN) can be a scary place.
Fear #3
Losing my identity. Again.
When I left my house and decided it was time for a divorce, I lost part of my identity. When I finished the Full Booty 140.6, and no longer had anything to look forward to athletically, I lost part of my identity. When I decided to put my energy into getting another job and making a more comfortable life for myself, I lost a part of my identity. One the flip side, I lost my OLD identity, and can now begin to create a new one. I have been lost for a few months now trying to decide what this life was going to look like for me as I started over from scratch, especially after all the parts of my identity I used to run away from my life were no longer relevant and were dwindling away. As I started to add new, refreshing pieces I started to find that those parts of my identity served their purpose in my old life, but not in my current life. I don't want to run from my life anymore (THAT IS STRAIGHT FEAR), I want to ride this tsunami wave from the top all the way until it crashes into a beautiful world that all the traumas, trials, and tribulations have created.
I used so many things I loved and made them into coping mechanisms. Making coping mechanisms out of your favorite things… steals the joy of them. Triathlon became a way to cope with a failing marriage and with losing quite a few loved ones in a short period of time. My exercising like a crazy person for multiple hours a day and spending all my free time training, planning, or being in a barely conscious state of exhaustion left me unable to hit my life problems head on but feeling accomplished in another area of my life. Now I am on a mission to find the joy in triathlon again. I want to use it as something that boosts my morale, not that feels like a job to help me cope with life.
I am now on a journey for a diagnosis. That FEAR is overwhelming. What if taking medication steals my personality? What if taking medication makes me unable to relate to my blog readers? What if I can no longer write about my anxiety and depression? Creating the SPAZ Movement and working on turning it into a non profit has brought me the most joy, significance, and purpose to my life. I can’t bear the thought of losing the last thing I really have left in this life that I created. This fear is the one overwhelming me now. I have already vowed to take on this disease/disorder/whatever head on and share it with the world. I will not stay silent and I will not hide my disorder under my pillow. It will not control me, I will live well with my disease and stop being silent. I will use my diagnosis to help break the stigma this world has put on mental health disorders.
Could you take a leap with me and conquer one of your fears? I shared just a snippet of what some of my fears are at the moment… but I am going to take them head on… Come with me.
Our Story ;sn’t Over
P<3