I want to preface this post by saying I am safe. I have taken precautions to make sure that I am doing all I can to keep myself alive and not alone, but I do think that the past few weeks events need to be talked about no matter how scary, vulnerable, and unstable they make me sound. I know that there are others with this disease that may need to know there is someone out there that feels the same way. In this time of scary uncertainty, I have found strength and power in knowledge, so I want to also share my experience if someone else needs to see it.
I went on an SSRI almost six weeks ago. If you have read my previous posts, I am not a proponent of medication, but sometimes I think modern medicine has its place and when it is saving a life, that is one of them. I agreed to take medication, and when the possibility of bipolar disorder also came into the picture, I knew it would probably be medicine forever. What I failed to understand was the magnitude of the side effects if the medication does not work for your body. I did not understand the turmoil and pain that could arise from trying to get help. **I am NOT discouraging ANYONE from getting help!!! But I do want you to know what you are up against so you have a shot in hell at not being where I am.**
I was warned that there would be side effects that I was afraid of. There would be weight gain, there would be a spout of dullness and lack of motivation (I also did A LOT of online research about the medications I was prescribed) and there could be a spike in my bipolar “episodes” because this medication may not react well with that disorder. What I failed to understand was the earth shattering side effects that could come on in a split second that made me fight for my life… literally.
Thursday morning, I was done. I was exhausted beyond belief. I was tired of fighting, and I wasn’t afraid of telling my circle that. What started last Friday as just a “regular” bad day, slowly snowballed into suicidal ideation, that escalated into planning. By Thursday afternoon, I was just praying for the energy to fight another hour, minute, or second. I was told I shouldn’t be alone, and even had thoughts of whether this was that circumstance in which I should check myself into some kind of facility. In this crisis, I was given some understanding of what causes people to commit suicide, how the mental health field really works, and how tired someone has to be to know theit circle loves them more than anything, but thinking just a little relief and peace is worth devastating their lives.
I went to the doctor on 8/20 after experiencing an extreme bout of depression that had led to suicidal ideation. It scared me beyond words that I was moving so far in that direction that I wanted to get help for myself. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE! My Brain Demon does. It is like living with someone else in control of my brain, but back to the point. An urgent referral was put in for me on 8/20 to get a diagnosis by a licensed mental health professional for the bipolar disorder/mood disorder that my doctor was suspicious of. After I came back for my 4 week follow up appointment, I still had not received a call from the psychiatry office. God bless those who do not have URGENT referrals, left to fend for themselves for months. After 5 weeks, I finally have an appointment that is 3 weeks away…. This solidifies my quest of being in the mental health field. There isn’t enough help for all the brains that need it, and with the disheartening fact that it takes over 2 full months to see a professional, would make someone give up on trying to find help, believe me. We are in such great need, but also should be more thankful for those who do work in that field now as they obviously want to help but are so over saturated they can’t get to everyone in time.
I never believed suicide was a selfish thing to do. Maybe I thought different in a fit of anger over lives that were now gone, but I’ve suffered too long with the Big D to think that someone looking for relief from what the overwhelming pressure of the Brain Demon is selfish, but many people do. I do understand that suicide devastates lives. Suicide devastated my family’s lives when my uncle died. He was a huge part of our lives, he wasn’t just my uncle, he was our neighbor, my mom’s brother, my grandparent’s son, my cousin’s dad, my aunt’s husband, a grandfather, he was a staple in so many people’s lives and when he got ripped away from our every day, it was a complete devastation, so I know what suicide does, but it doesn’t stop the wanting of everything to stop so you can actually find peace and quiet and relief. I have a new way of understanding how the brain can trick you into thinking that suicide is the only way out when you are so exhausted you no longer think you can go on.
Exhaustion is a word that doesn’t have enough magnitude to it whatsoever. I wish I could find a word that can describe how tired I am and have been. I have been so disinterested in everything, including the only way of coping I know…. Exercise. When you are this exhausted, the thought of fighting another minute is almost impossible. I have literally prayed to just go to sleep and not wake up so I could actually get some rest. I want to get the sleep my body is begging for, that my Brain Demon won’t allow. First question I get, “Have you been taking your sleeping pill?” Well, simple answer, no. Feeling disoriented, dizzy, dissociative, and unfocused isn’t a good option for someone who is at work or working out at 5:30am. There isn’t enough time for the side effects to wear off and me to have to come back to life. But what is ironic, is the worst days of exhaustion and being tired of fighting, have been the days after the nights of more sleep. I know sleep plays a roll, but it seems to not be the biggest trigger for me, it seems to be a side effect of bad days.
One of the scariest things I learned was that ultimately the control in the matter, is so hard to actually have. What I am about to say may make me sound ultimately insane, I get it, and honestly I am okay with it. When suicidal ideation started, I was just so tired that existing was making me cry. All I want is rest, peace, some kind of relief from the mental and physical pain that is excruciating to me in this moment or in the time leading up to this episode. As it progresses, it turns into suicidal thoughts and it feels like I am two completely different people. My Brain Demon is saying, “Let’s end this, there is no reason to continue suffering,” while I am saying, “I want to LIVE, why are you saying such things?!” Then what pops in next is, “Let’s do X on X day and be done with this, you can finally get some rest,” while the whole time I am saying, “STOP THINKING LIKE THIS, YOU DON’T WANT THIS!” No matter what I said, I was not in control of the thoughts at all, and it was like my own brain betraying me and trying to sweet talk me into stopping the fight.
I don’t have much more to say, as I am still not in a good place, but I am safe. The only thing I really have left to share is how much I love so many of you. I have the best circle and tribe to stand behind me. My mom, a few amazing friends, and Ry have been my rocks over the past week as I have been in a complete state of exhaustion, frustration, and depression. The support I get from my blog readers, SPAZ supporters, and P lovers is overwhelming and I can’t express how thankful I am for each and everyone of you and how much your support of SPAZ Movement’s cause means to me.
Our Story ;sn’t Over
P<3
