Rest may be great to some, but I am teetering on the edge of insanity. After farther pondering, my workouts and exercise are the only things in my life I really have control of and now that they are all modified and not in my control, I am losing my marbles. It is almost just too much...
I can'r remember when my hip started hurting. I can't remember where the pain, that is now bursitis, started manifesting, but I know now with rest that one thing after another keeps waking up and trying to remind me. Rest has and will be helpful and mandatory to have a successful tri season next year, but it has brought many unwanted friends with it including, dark depression.
Depression is worse than any cuss word or profane name you could call anyone. Depression is a deep, dark place that tries to suck you in by telling you all your inadequacies, issues, heartaches, and worst fears and then bringing them to life right before your eyes. The Brain Demon is real folks, and he has been pulling on my ear all week. Yes, I definitely just wallowed in self pity for a brief second, but I also used this week for enlightenment.
My depression is bad, but I can get out of bed. Internally it is a dark, twisted, confusing place but on the outside I proceed with my life as normal. I may be dragging ass by 2pm, but I am up no later than 5:30am every morning without issue. I may cry in my car, but I can smile when I get out and go about my day. That makes me lucky... too often do sufferers of anxiety and depression completely lose their ability to function. Do I have weekends where I seclude myself into the confines of my quiet-non people-y home, YES I DO, but I can go out if I need to. Does the thought of looking like and idiot at the Y near my new home stop me from going there, ABSOLUTELY, but I have been there... once.
Sometimes we forget and become desensitized to the fact that depression, The Brain Demon, is a disease, and that in everyone the disease manifests itself differently. I work with members who have Parkinson's Disease. Parkinson's is a horrific disease but an interesting one; not one of my members have ANY of the same symptoms and non of them found out they had Parkinson's the same way. When I think of depression, I feel as if it effects people the same way. Not one person has the same symptoms, not one person found out they had depression the same way. Hell sometimes I am in a depressive state and don't even know it!
I say all that to say, be sensitive to others. Sometimes I have people tell me after reading this blog or hearing me openly talk about depression, "I never knew you were even sad." Well bless your heart, I must be a good pretender and you must be totally uniformed of how depression acts. It is not just "sadness" it is so much more than that. I have multiple friends and family members that all have depression and non of us have the same symptoms but I know some of their signs. We range from anger, anxiety, crying, distant, lonely, reckless, seclusion, self loathing, just to name a few.
To make a already too long story short, depression, anxiety, the Brain Demon is real. Be mindful of others when they aren't acting right or seem to be distancing themselves. You can't change anything in their situation, but you can LISTEN, you can be a confidant, you can make a difference in how long the funk sticks around. We are in this life to be building blocks for others in some form or fashion.
Love, Listen, Live <3
Our Story ;sn't Over,
P<3