“Body dysmorphic disorder is a mental disorder in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance — a flaw that, to others, is either minor or not observable. But you may feel so ashamed and anxious that you may avoid many social situations”, this is the clinical definition given by the Mayo Clinic. Upon further research, they don’t know what causes the disorder or have any treatment options. If you already have other mental health concerns like OCD, anxiety, or depression you are at greater risk of having BDD.
I am currently at war inside of my body. My brain and my body are clashing head to head and it has taken a definite toll on me. I think my BDD started when I was 12 or 13, of course at the time, I was just a teenager trying to find attention and seek any kind of positive affirmation and that is kind of normal, but checking how big your stomach looks in the mirror 10+ times a day probably wasn’t. I went through bouts of starving myself, only eating ice or chicken broth, extreme dieting, binge eating, you name it, I did it. I hated my body and in return, my body now hates me.
I always remember being too fat, too stocky, too big. I always towered over the other kids, I was always bigger, I always ate more, now I am an overweight 25 year old with BDD and what I see in the mirror affects my everyday life. I don’t know that my parents could have done anything differently. My mom dieted on and off, but she never really obsessed about her weight. My dad was always beanpole thin so he certainly never thought about his weight. The people around me in my childhood never obsessed about their weight. My mom and grandma always yo-yo’d weight wise, but never were they ever obsessed with their weight/appearance like I am.
I was taught to have terrible eating habits and always was allowed what I wanted to eat, but times were different. We definitely didn’t know all the things we do now, and in the early 90’s my parents just did what they had to do and afforded what they could to keep us fed and nourished. It wasn’t until I went to college that I learned how terrible my eating was. I had to start from scratch learning all about how to actually eat healthy, what a body needed to be nourished, and the extras that help a body function properly.
I have a food problem. I LOVE food, but food is my enemy, and through the years I have tried so hard to make it my friend and tell myself it is fuel for all the things I love to do and that I need it, I honestly wish I could live on nothing but chicken broth and still feel good and be able to exercise. There are literal food items I cannot have in my house because I have no control over how much I eat of it, and honestly, I am getting there with almost everything and it is terrifying. As I have started eating much cleaner and healthier, if I eat something really really unhealthy like a southern home cooked meal, I get physically ill. Almost every holiday or family get together now, even though I am gluten free and can’t have most stuff, I end up eating too much of things I know my stomach cannot handle anymore, and I am physically ill for 2-3 days. Does that make me learn my lesson? Even when I try to lightly tell my family the food is making me sick, the same food comes out, to the point, I just started bringing my own stuff that I can eat. I love food, but it isn’t so important to me that I want to be sick.
My family, God love them, have also been food shamers, and not in the traditional sense. If you did not eat enough, that was an insult. After every meal you must go back for seconds, there is no other option. You must cook enough food for 4 other families to join you though they are not. It is intimidating and it gives me anxiety thinking about it.
A few weeks ago I wanted Mexican for lunch… SO BAD! I am talking to my mom and she hit home to me how bad my BDD is getting. She told me to go eat what I wanted but I couldn’t fat shame or hate myself afterwards. How in the hell, you don’t even live here?! How do you know that?! I probably eat out once or twice a month, because eating out is being out of calorie and portion control and that is scary and leads to 10lb weight gain in one night (in my mind)! I did go to Mexican… I then proceeded to spend the whole weekend in the biggest t-shirts I own and shamed myself for not working out enough… So take that mom! I didn’t “fat shame”... I workout shamed and his instead….(insert biggest eye roll possible).
I feel so uncomfortable in my skin. The thought of looking at myself in a bathing suit kind of makes me gag. If my weight stayed steady and I was one weight, I would find it as a normal, I guess, and accept that I am just going to be kind of disgusting forever, but sadly, I have seen my goal weight and I don’t feel nasty there but I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I can’t be the weight I want to be and lift weights. I can’t be the weight I want to be and have any freedom with my food. I can’t be the weight I want to be and not do an ungodly amount of cardio while not eating enough food. There comes a point that my brain will understand we can’t do this… right? I will accept that being a strong, muscular badass is better than being skinny… right? I will accept that my belly having a little extra flab is better than starving to make my belly sink in or looking good in that bathing suit I so desperately want to wear but am afraid of burning people’s eyes out…. Right?
I have fought posting this for a few weeks. I have posted a lot of scary things on my blog, but for some reason this one feels worse. This one shows a weakness I do not understand and cannot control. I am finding some kind of control and self love during bouts of severe depression, but when it comes to my weight it is cut and dry for me, I am whale-ish. Okay, logically I know I am just overweight for my height and weight according to the doctor’s office, since they hand me the paper about being overweight every time I have my physical, but my mind thinks we are morbidly obese.
I am now at a crossroads in my life. I am now at a point where I can’t understand why I feel the way I do and why I have BDD so badly it makes me want to pull my hair out, but I am getting out from under the thumb of “diet” or “food” control. I am so tired of my everyday life consisting of plotting out every single thing I eat. I eat HEALTHY…. Very healthy, that should be enough for me. Instead I stress myself out and have ruined my body’s natural metabolism, hunger signals, and its natural ability to tell me how much food and when. I sabotage myself freaking out about what I am eating, that my cortisol sky rockets (increasing fat stores) and I am killing my body even more by creating extra things for it to fight against.
No more. NO more. NO MORE! I cannot continue to do this. I am ready to just find freedom… I am ready to live and be holistically well and this my friends is not it. I cannot continue to feel this way, it is killing me. This is the day I step out of my comfort zone and post this so anyone else feeling this way does not have to do this alone. Fight with me. We can beat this!
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Break the Stigma with Me!
P<3
