Too commercial, too hectic, too logistical, too much.... I have stressed over Thanksgiving for 3 weeks and the anxiety is utterly exhausting. What is wrong with me?
Let me preface this post by saying, that I have always loved Thanksgiving. Other than Halloween, Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday, but as I get older and see the culture changing and my feelings about food (borderline obsession), Thanksgiving is becoming harder and harder for me.
The reason I always loved Thanksgiving was NOT the food, thought I really love to eat. I have always loved Thanksgiving because my family is scattered and we got to be together for a day, two months in a row! This year is no different for me except, my outlook on the meal is getting even poorer. I probably fall into that "health nut" category, and yeah I know there are "cheat days", just "live", one meal won't hurt you and all that blah blah blah jazz, but what people don't understand is that in order for me to have a "guilt-free" cheat meal, I have to start working myself up for 2 weeks and talking myself off the ledge of feeling like food controls my soul. What other's also don't understand is I have NO control over it, at least not right now...
My anxiety and depression (Brain Demon) manifests itself in many hidden forms. I never know what it is coming back as, and I swear once I conquer one thing, it pops it's ugly head up in a new form that takes me months to figure out why I feel the way I do! The Brain Demon's new way of playing games with me is by taking away the ability to control my feelings about food and how I eat it. Since MCM on October 28th, I have not done any "vigorous" exercise and have tried to nurse my hip and low back back to health, but that took away the control I had to out run/bike life... I don't have control of much in my life, but my exercise and what I put on the end of my fork was about it and after losing the control of the exercising, I have gone obsessive over my food/weight/gain or loss. To some of you this sounds stupid. To some of you, you see a strong, healthy young woman who has the world in front of her and is judging herself for eating a cup of cheerios at 10pm (yep juding myself over damn CHEERIOS!) for no reason and should just "let it go" but it is not that easy for me.
As I was shopping for the last of my produce on Tuesday I couldn't help but observe how food obsessed our culture has become. Thanksgiving is no longer about giving thanks for your family and what the year has brought to you, it is about turkey. Stuffing. Green Bean Casserole. Food. I would give up 100 Thanksgivings to have just a little more time with a few of my family members who left this life to soon! Too soon for me at least...
People become so overwhelmed by what they are cooking and how to long to cook their 20lb turkey that they forget to hug someone's neck, or ask about someone's new business, or inquire about a lingering health problem. Life's too damn short whether you are 22 or 82 to care if the damn turkey burns! I've gone obsessive over my food/weight/gain or loss. To some of you this sounds stupid. To some of you, you see a strong, healthy young woman who has the world in front of her and is judging herself for eating a cup of cheerios at 10pm (yep judging myself over damn CHEERIOS!) for no reason and should just "let it go" but it is not that easy for me.
As I was shopping for the last of my produce on Tuesday I couldn't help but observe how food obsessed our culture has become. Thanksgiving is no longer about giving thanks for your family and what the year has brought to you, it is about turkey. Stuffing. Green Bean Casserole. Food. I would give up 100 Thanksgivings to have just a little more time with a few of my family members who left this life to soon! Too soon for me at least... People become so overwhlemed by what they are cooking and how to long to cook their 20lb turkey that they forget to hug someone's neck, or ask about someone's new business, or inquire about a lingering health problem. Life's too damn short whether you are 22 or 82 to care if the damn turkey burns!
As I was shopping for the last of my produce on Tuesday I couldn't help but observe how food obsessed our culture has become. Thanksgiving is no longer about giving thanks for your family and what the year has brought to you, it is about turkey. Stuffing. Green Bean Casserole. Food. I would give up 100 Thanksgivings to have just a little more time with a few of my family members who left this life to soon! Too soon for me at least... People become so overwhelmed by what they are cooking and how to long to cook their 20lb turkey that they forget to hug someone's neck, or ask about someone's new business, or inquire about a lingering health problem. Life's too damn short whether you are 22 or 82 to care if the damn turkey burns!
I hope to write another post this weekend about other things that I have happened in the past two weeks but today, I wanted to write to:
A. Make you feel normal because I totally am NOT, but expressing it out loud does help.
B. Remind you the true meaning of Thanksgiving
C. Challenge you to go be with your family! Put your technology away, give your family an extra hug or two, and BE PRESENT. You never know what chair may be empty next Thanksgiving....
Happy Thanksgiving Team SPAZ followers,
Be Brave, Be Bold, Be Different.
Our Story ;sn't Over
P<3