It’s funny to me that no matter how bad things are, the thought of change or the process of change seems even worse. I find this in so many places of my life and today it seems to be on the forefront of my mind. The thought of change itself is hard and uncomfortable, but committing to the change and letting the process happen is the most terrifying part of all, especially when the end result is not clear.
This year has brought A LOT of change into my life, a literal complete rebuild of what a “normal life” looked like to me last year, and at the moment I was terrified, and looking back now I’m so thankful for it! I’ve gained so much in this life because of the scary changes I decided to make and continue to work on, on a daily basis. Making changes doesn’t get easier, but letting the process work for itself does.
In January, I decided to pick up myself and create what I wanted my life to look like. Nothing I wanted was going to come true on the path I was on and the only certain thing was that I was getting worse and fast mentally and emotionally. I moved out of my married home January 26th at 9am with the help of my parents. At that moment, there had never been a point that low. At that moment, nothing had felt so lonely and crippling. I thought when I left that my leaving would be temporary and that we would work things out to become the family I always wanted, but that was not what my life plan had in store for me. Every moment that went by that life kept changing, I kept realizing how much change needed to happen. How much the life I had pictured for myself would not happen where I was and that it wasn’t the right thing for me anyways. The more the change the more that my personal health came to the forefront as I was no longer carrying the burdens of the world, my mind and body were able to tell me I needed to switch my attention to me.
I’ve suffered from anxiety for a very long time, childhood trauma caused some emotions that feed off of panic attacks and increased anxiety. Depression started pretty early too, I remember sitting on the side of my bed thinking about slitting my wrists while holding a knife to my veins and never being able to complete the task. The past 3 years I have seen an escalation in my depression and anxiety leading to more and more days where getting out of bed was a struggle, leading an everyday normal life was getting so hard. In August the depression hit a peak, I now knew that January 26th was not the lowest point of my life, laying in my bed not able to move and planning my death to save the world from the burden of me, yep, that was the worst most lonely and devastating day of my life. That was the day I chose to make the scary change that was going to change everything, and that was to get help. I changed my life in January to build the life I always wanted, now I am trying to figure out how to kill myself, this is NOT what I want, this is what my brain wants, and I won’t give in.
Taking medicine was a BIG commitment to change for me. I hardly take ibuprofen much less a substance that is going to mess with the chemical properties of my brain. The first medication was a bust. We had not gotten a full diagnosis yet, so the first medication collided with my bipolar disorder and caused a tail spin. I was in TROUBLE and every day was a struggle to live. The side effects were bad but the psychological effects were taking their toll and quickly. I had planned my death, how I was going to do it, and written out what was going to who and given my love to all those I wanted to know how much I loved them.
Medicine number two, was hard to get on. Because my side effects were so bad to med number one, we quit cold turkey and started a new med. The side effects from that were almost debilitating. It was so hard to function, I was always getting sick and felt lousy and exhausted. The medication change is so so so hard and it felt like I was doing willful torture to myself. Every ache and pain came back with a vengeance, because one med is gone and the other takes weeks to come into play. Once the medicine had gotten into my system it was doable, but causing side effects that were affecting the only thing I still wanted to do, exercise. That wasn’t a change I could handle, I can’t have the only normalcy in my life taken away so that medicine also had to go.
We are now on the third concoction of medication and starting to feel some relief. Going through those changes of medication yahtzee was so hard. I prayed every single day it would help or I would die and I honestly didn’t care which one happened. It is hard to tell you how low you have to be to not be able to stand another second in your own body. It is really hard to tell you that all the love I know people have for me and all the people that say they need me in this world, didn’t matter. All that mattered was trying to find relief and some version of peace.It is the most selfish and hopeless feeling in the world, you want so bad to care but the pain is so big and so real its all you can see. All the days aren’t good, but now that that feeling is starting to diminish, it is so easy to see all the hard changes were worth it.
Now that the two biggest changes are now behind me, it is time to work on the future. It is time to build that life I always wanted, the family I always wanted, the home I always wanted, the love I always wanted. It’s time to accept the past and how it has helped me grow into a better person and let it go to the wind. It is exciting to me to think of where I will be a year from now. How much better this life will be because I took all those big leaps and made all those big changes to correct the path my life was on. I can’t imagine where I would be right now had I made none of these changes stick, but I can guarantee you one of the highest probabilities would be dead.
Today I promised my very best friend that I love with all my heart, that I would stop living for the past. The next big change is to really start working to live for the now. Stop trying to live to make up for past mistakes or decisions, to stop living for old relationships, to stop living for the version of me I was and start living for the version of me I want to be. I’m going to start living to create the things I want in my life and embracing what life gives me.
I am thankful for all the changes 2019 gave me.
I am thankful for the courage to leave.
I am thankful for an unwavering support system.
I am thankful for SPAZ’s safe place to leave my deepest, darkest thoughts.
I am thankful for my amazingly understanding family.
I am thankful for my Ry who pushes me to new levels everyday of positive change.
I am thankful for my disease that has shown me so much more to life and understanding.
I am thankful to know how others feel in the darkest moments.
I am thankful for this challenge of a life I was given to make the best of.
Our Story ;sn’t Over
Happy Thanksgiving <3
P :):