The funk is overwhelming. The dark cloud keeps growing and growing and when I think it is almost over, it grows taller and darker. I have all of the most wonderful things happening in my life, I have finally built the best tribe of people, I have an awesome few months ahead of cool fun stuff, and a wonderful little house that the doggies and I adore, but I can’t lift this cloud off of me.
I completely feel lost and upside down, I even feel kind of crazy, but after an amazing pep talk I have decided to just share my feelings instead. \
My current life is like a constant battle between the good and evil on each shoulder.
Evil Priscilla:
-Sad
-Emotional
-Lonely
-Lifeless
-Distraught
-Inconsolable
-Exhausted
-Distracted
-Unfocused
-Just to name a few…..
Good Priscilla
-Excited
-Adventurous
-Calm
-Stable
-Comfortable
-Strong
-Self Sufficient
-Disciplined
-Confident
-Living Life to the Fullest
So most of these things are total contradictions of one another. Every second of 98% of my days are fought between the devil and angel on my shoulder completely giving me mixed signals. There is hardly ever a time when I think, hmmm I finally got this shit figured out, or hmmm this is the totally right thing to do and I am 100% on board with my decision, or Damn I’m awesome.
I was told yesterday that I was not crazy, what a relief! That it feels like there is always a civil war going on in my head, with the two sides of brain fighting against each other is overwhelming. I feel crazy, my mood swings make me act crazy, my life circumstances and my demeanor do not match or make any sense whatsoever, and internally that means crazy, unstable lady.
As it has taken me two weeks to say any of this. I am going to keep this one short and sweet, as this is as many thoughts as I can put together right now. I am working on me. I think I am worth saving and I am worth living, upon the advice of my dearest mama, every time I think a bad thought or say a bad word about myself, I will follow it up with something positive in my life. I will pick back up journaling (day 2), and I will continue to work on, and monitor, the scary borderline habits and thoughts I have created and am working on breaking and retraining my brain.
If you are out there and you feel like me… reach out. I’ll be your sounding board. I understand.
We are the most important and we are worth all the time in the world.
Our Story ;sn’t Over.
P<3
