This week SUCKED! I have cried more this week than I have in months. After reviewing the week, it is all stress I put on MYSELF and anxiety based. How do I keep this from happening again? I don't think I can do another week like this.
My week started on Sunday 9/30 with having to go to work. No big deal, I work on Sundays maybe once a month, it affords me a day off at the end of the week so no biggie, but this week was different. It was budget week and there was no time for me to be off work, there were deadlines that had to be reached.
As things normally do, of course the world fell apart this week and everything needed my assistance. We went from everything running smoothly to people not showing up for work, unexpected, needed months off, needing to hire someone, and the snowball just rolled. I normally commend myself for being calm and collected under pressure but this week I just wasn't.... and here comes the self shaming that was to follow.
I always make goals for the week, month, year, etc to keep myself motivated and moving. I am always trying to better myself, or what I think would better me, as a person, wife, employee, athlete, daughter, sister, friend. This week's goals were to try and start upping my blog posts to at least two a week (with the eventual three to come). to follow my training plan down to a tee (which 100% did not happen), and to be happy and less "lazy". Everything here is pretty self explanatory but "lazy" may not be, at least what MY definition in this context is.
LAZY
I have LAZY tendencies, meaning instead of cleaning, I collapse into the recliner. Instead of coming into my office to type a blog post, I collapse into my recliner. Instead of doing yoga at night to unwind from the day, I collapse into the recliner. I can find an excuse for near about anything (my most dreaded and unliked quality about myself).
My mom calls me this week to check on me. I've totally stopped communicating with her, though unintentional, it draws up the red flag. I just start crying... and completely unload on her the feelings of self loathing:
-Why can I not control the stress I am under, it is not that big of a deal!
-Why am I so lazy, I should be able to come home and function normally, not collapse. I should be able to work all day and come home to clean, or vacuum, or do yoga, or write a blog post. What is my issue?!
-Why am I skipping workouts, I have done this consistently forever what is my malfunction? If I can't workout, I can't keep eating like I do everyday.
-Why am I so worked up? My life is pretty good, why am I crying over a little tough week. This is ridiculous. Get it together!
So yeah, there is a day in the life of me. Sharing all of those feelings makes me feel really vulnerable and maybe even unethical, but they are true to the core, honest things that the Brain Demon knows I respond to. What really makes me angry as I can combat these MOST of the time, but it is like my defense wall is broken down (probably caused by my laziness too).
I want to be 100% of everything for everybody. I know that is impossible and live a somewhat happy existence, but it does not stop me from wanting it! When I can't come home and do all the things that need to get done, I feel like a fat, nasty, lazy pig. When I don't get my workout in I feel like a fat, grotesque, beached whale. When I tell people I am going to get this done today, but with everything in my power it just doesn't get done, I feel like a lazy, inconsiderate, procrastinating liar.
The above statements are a pretty true look at what someone with anxiety feels like when the Brain Demon (depression) starts creeping in. Hell, at this point I think he is full force taking over! The only thing that gets me through is knowing I have my mom to listen to me; she understands me and reminds me that my brain is sabotaging me, I am not. She reminds me that I am the one making all of these tasks up that MUST get done but then beating myself done when I don't have the energy to accomplish them which in turn leads to me Brain "Demoning" which leads to more stuff not getting done and then, yeah, the continuous spiral of death.
I share all of the hurtful uglies so you do not ever have to think you are alone. I am right here struggling with you, and to be honest, I do way better listening and helping you try to figure out why your Brain Demon is on the fritz than I do trying to stop mine. We all have ugly things inside, we all have scary things that we don't like or can't understand and that is okay. We don't have to keep it all inside though! Throw up all of the ugly stuff and then let it all go! Start the next day from scratch and try again until it works and when it doesn't work, IT IS OKAY! Tell your mom, or significant other, or friend, or pillow whatever works, and wake up the next day to try again. WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY AND TRY AGAIN! Our Story ;sn't Over!!!
Keep On Trying My Dear Friends! We will not let the Brain Demon win!
P <3