You know that feeling when you can see something coming but you can't get out of the way, you can't stop it, you can't figure out how to avoid it?
I can't even begin to begin to explain how I feel right now. It is so hard to describe the feelings and emotions and desperation I feel. It is so hard to explain how you can see all the emotions, sadness, and hopeless feelings coming towards you like a big black storm cloud on the horizon, but you cannot run quick enough to get away from it. It is hard to understand how I can tell something isn't right and that I am not okay, but I cannot explain to you why not or what is wrong. It is kind of like being stuck inside a room with no windows or doors, you can scream and scream and scream and there just isn't a way out.
I have hard time dealing with what depression does to my mind and body, and sometimes it is worse than others. My Brain Demon tricks me. He tells me nobody loves me or cares about me. He tells me I am fat and lazy. He tells me I suck at everything I do, I am stupid, I am a lazy lard ass who needs to workout 3+ hours a day, even though I am going to make you the most tired and introverted you have ever been. Almost every post I post about the Brain Demon goes that same way, no matter how hard I try, at some point, he takes over my life. I always think I am making progress, I am on top now, I can control my feelings, and just like that I lose all control. What I hate most is that I NEVER surrender to it, and it still takes over. It is like no matter how hard, how much meditation, how much journaling, how much counseling, the Brain Demon still takes over.
I am sure listening to me talk about depression is old and boring. It may not interest you at all, but there are some people following this blog that know EXACTLY what I just described and are so happy they aren’t alone in their feelings of entrapment. So, let’s get to some of the roots of the problem shall we?
Christmas is coming. Almost all the gifts are bought and accounted for, the arrangements to spend time with everyone equally is planned out, and I am the emptiest I have ever been. There are little to no decorations up in my house (extremely unusual), I have already pleaded my case to skip Christmas, and there is absolutely no joy of Christmas in my home. The Grinch song that Cindy Lou sings “Where Are You Christmas” has never been a truer statement. The commercialized Christmas has taken over a little more each year and as it has, I have started disliking it more and more. I love to give presents to my family, but I don’t think it has to be once a year on a certain day to spend hundreds of dollars to have stuff shoved into a closet and not used. I love to receive gifts too, let’s be honest, but the time with my family and a new experience is what I want, not a material item.
I know people say you never know what you had until it is gone or don’t take any second with your family for granted, but I have. I missed precious time with my grandfather because I was a dumb-ass who wanted to use her phone more, or spend more time with her boyfriend, or be with her friends more than I wanted to spend my extra time with him. Even on the holidays, I didn’t value my time with him as much as I should and this year I’m LOST.
I may have said this before, or maybe not, but here is one thing about anxiety that makes all of these jumbled paragraphs become one post. Anxiety makes you over analyze EVERYTHING and not just for 10 minutes, but for like 3 weeks, which is when the Brain Demon takes over and reminds me that I totally suck because I have over analyzed every situation I feel crappy about and determined that I do indeed, suck at life. So, bear with me and the jumbled up posts, I type as I think.
For Thanksgiving I gave a challenge to step away from social media and actually be present with your family, to my surprise most of my family read my blog post Thanksgiving morning and we all refrained from excessive phone use. It was amazing, the communication and laughter that filled my grandmother’s home. What makes that so hard for us? When did human interaction become something scary we no longer wanted to be a part of? I’ll be honest, when I am home with my family and they genuinely talk to me and care about how I feel, that is when I am most at peace. They don’t care where I am in my journey, but merely that I am still on my journey. This blog has been a huge help in that for me. I share my scary, deep, dark feelings and people actually read them and they become genuinely concerned for one another. They don’t just see Sad Sally sitting on the couch alone, they see Sally who seems down and needs a friend to talk to. Isn’t that we were aiming for in the first place? Cutting down the stigma around depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts, while preventing the darkness from completely taking over our loved one or even ourselves, by communication, love, and talking?
This week has been rough for me, I am on the verge of what I call “the valley” and I’m slipping down the mountain to the valley so slowly I think I can pull myself up, to only slip down further each time I try. I describe myself as a “tidy freak” everything may not be dusted every day, but my house is always tidy and put away. This week, I have merely come home to crash, I forced myself to cook, I forced myself to put away the dishes, and when I ran out of underwear, I forced myself to do laundry and all of it took every effort I had in me to even care. One night I went to bed with a sink mounded in dishes, but I just couldn’t do it, then I began to judge myself for being such a pig, “If you can do a damn 140.6, you can out away the damn dishes you sissy”, but even the shaming myself didn’t help. I plan my workouts at least one week in advance in the off-season and I have even skipped some of those, because the energy just to be alive, was too much to add to. That all sounds SO dramatic, and you right it may be, but when you are going through it, that is exactly how it feels. I have tried to write a blog post since last Saturday, because I really want to post twice a week, maybe not waiting until the “Valley” is in my sights, but I couldn’t put words together and didn’t have the brain power to coerce them out. This is not a pity party, I’m okay with being a sufferer of depression, I am okay with having anxiety, both of these diseases are like the scars of my past, I lived and earned these scars to wear. What I am not okay with is when they decide to over power me and take away the control I have of my life. When the Brain Demon decides he doesn’t want me to workout, clean, cook, or even work efficiently, I become overwhelmed and the disease engulfs me even more.
Why do I talk about this in such detail every time a valley comes along? Somewhere there is someone else and their valley is in site, they are suffering and they don’t have anyone who understands. I do. Helping others is the only way I know how to pull myself back up the mountain. It took me a very long time to be able to talk about my depression and anxiety. I probably spent more years in denial that anything was wrong with me than I have embracing my disease. This blog, this team, this movement, gives me a reason to wake up on days that sometimes the darkness seems much more pleasant. Being able to put a face on depression and anxiety and say, it is okay, I am here for you, we are warr;ors, that is what I live for. I am not ashamed of what I have, I merely want to help others not to be either.
I am full of emotions and words today so before I make this any longer I will wrap it up to say, I love you, I am here for you, and the valley doesn’t have to be lonely, I’m down there a lot, we can always walk it together. Want to know what I want for Christmas? I want to help one person decide that they can embrace their disease and fight a little bit longer because they have a friend in me.
“Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost”
Our Story ;sn’t Over
P<3