Today feels a little different. I feel pressed to write about something that I am not sure I have written about before because what I thought was the most important aspect of my life did not have it and it was hard to see where I did, and that is support. Today I am writing about about not fighting alone, asking for support, getting the support you need without asking, always knowing someone has your back and if no one does, knowing that I will take on that responsibility. Today is about how different kinds of magical people accidentally fall into your life to do some of the following:
-Turn your life around and show you what you deserve
-Show you what others see in you
-Give you someone to support through their silent journey no one knows about
-People to share my, hard story with to help them turn their story around
Today is about exactly what the SPAZ Movement is… bringing awareness to others about depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and supporting them through their journey with any and all of these stigmatized curse words. Today is about giving everyone the love they need, the shoulder they want, and the hug through words that will get them through their day. This may be my most favorite day to write…. This is the day I give credit to all of my support system and vow to be yours.
I think in the past 8-10 months I have learned so much. The amount of support I really have in this journey of living through my Brain Demon is unimaginable. The love I have gained from others by not being afraid to share my story, all the ugliest, nastiest, darkest pieces of it has been incredible. I have come to a point in my life where this part of my journey is my favorite. Yes, depression is annoying sometimes, especially when I see how awesome my life is going and how much I am picking up the pieces and then it bulldozes through the new walls that were just built, but having this be a part of my journey, so I could experience it and then I could us it to be a part of healing others in their journey and being their support so they don’t have to walk this journey alone, that my friends is the greatest gift I could have ever been given.
In the past 2 months, I have had some BIG breakthroughs, I have had some severe bouts of depression with one leading to suicidal thoughts, I have learned who my real support team is, I have helped multiple people in their journeys to continue their stories and pick up their pieces when the roller coaster crashed into the valley, and I learned what someone really accepting you and loving all of your flaws feels and looks like. It has been a scary 60 days of revelations and trials and triumphs and failures and scary moments…. And on this side of it, it may have been the best 2 months I have had in years.
Now that I am coming through the other side, I see how much I let others shape my mind, not on any outside things, but on the most important thing… me. I don’t think we realize how we let others, that we think are important assets to our lives, bring us down. I think we spend so much time in the “what our lives should look like” phase of life, when shit is going to pot we ignore it because this is what life is “suppose” to look like so this must be what happens when it does. We spend so much time letting ourselves be around the wrong people that we let them start to warp our minds. We give the wrong people the liberty to create false ideas or negative thoughts about us by the way we let them treat us, by how we let the things they say warp our minds, and how we let the way they value us make up what our self worth is. I use we… I mean me… For so long I thought I had a “support system”. For so long I thought I was valued and cared for and that what was important to me was also important to others. I let negative talk and actions warp how I feel about myself. I let other people’s actions determine how I feel about me. I let life beat me down so low, I don’t even know what I truly look like in the mirror anymore.
Once I got myself out of this situation I completely lost my identity. I didn't know who I was at all and surely didn’t/don’t know what is truth and fiction in the beliefs that were ingrained into my brain about myself. I am starting to find me again, and I am starting to see the pattern of how I was broken down and changed into thinking negative things about myself, but all of this did not come from some magical potion I drank that made my blinders fall off…. This came from the magical beings that keep being pushed into my life by some force that knows, I need them.
You know that saying you find out who your friends are? Well you do. When shit hits the fan and your life crumbles up, you do find out who your friends are. You find out who can handle you in your messiest mess and still give you the SUPPORT and love you need, you find out who is going to stick around when you have nothing to give but need all the attention for once. It is kind of scary how small that circle becomes, but the amount of love that pours from it overwhelms all the hurt from those who disappeared. After seeing how fast a lot of people vanished, I vowed to not be one of those. I vowed to always be there in the bad times, because honestly, that’s all I know and that’s what I am good at. Let me hold the umbrella when the rain cloud has followed you for 10 days and your arms are tired, I got your back (or your arms should I say).
Creating new friendships and relationships with people has also been a magical experience. Not only have I weeded out the people in my life that were inconsistent and needy, I found other people to create relationships with and support. I think supporting others through their valleys has been my saving grace. I have found comfort in helping others turn their situations around and helping them find happier days. I have found new people in my life that old relationships couldn’t hold a candle to. The love I get everyday is immeasurable, the giddiness in my soul is indescribable. I have a few people in my support bubble that would have never been here if shit wouldn’t have got so low and I would do it all again a thousand times if I had to, to keep these new relationships with real, genuine people that I know have my back in any and everything.
My family also stepped up to the plate big time. When everyone else crumbled around and fell off the wagon, they stepped up to be my line of defense. My family never judged a decision I made, they asked me what I needed and how they could help. They have been a God send. Recently as I am really somewhat getting an idea at least of where my pieces go, I have told them of big dreams and aspirations and asked for help and guidance throughout the process. They are nothing but supportive of me and the biggest cheerleaders and coaches you could ever need.
(Spoiler alert: SPAZ Movement will *fingers crossed* be a nonprofit by 2023)
I have met a few new people, and enlightened on a few people I already knew, that needed to know more about me. I have shared my story and the SPAZ Movement a lot lately. I have noticed that this passion is way more than just a blog and some sweet looking tri suits, this passion is my calling. These people I am now hearing, seeing, and listening to for the first time were put here so I could be on their journey, so I could speak the truths to what they feel and they can know they are not alone. I was just talking to a friend today that I am growing close with and she expressed to me her silent fight with depression and some possible signs of BDD and a few other concerns…. As she was hesitant to give more detail I told her about my daily fight and she quickly chimed in on how identical our feelings were, she recognized she wasn’t alone and it is okay to be a person who seems to have everything going for them with everything on the up and up and still suffer from depression. That is where my passion is, being the comfort and support for others like me.
I have been lucky enough to find a new kind of relationship, different than I have never experienced before. I have been lucky enough to find something that is completely foreign to me and unexplainable. I have found what I think may be the truest best friend I have ever had in my entire life. I have found a relationship that is so honest and raw it’s scary. This friendship is undescribable and so strong in such a short amount of time it is unreal. True support, is meeting someone totally new in your life, telling them about your passion, and watching them as they embrace it and become your biggest fan. True support is knowing that I am struggling and coming to be a part of the struggle just so I don’t have to do it alone. There is no winning here, there is no consolation prize on the other side of the bad days, it is just one valley to another with a little bit of time to stand on the peaks and enjoy every struggle. I want to be that kind of friend to all of the people who need me that badly. This friendship has not only helped me refocus on my passions and my dreams, but it has also taught me so much about myself, about what I deserve in this life, and what a difference you can make in someone’s life but just listening, becoming a confidant, and being there when no one else will be. This friendship has helped me refocus on what I should think of myself because it has ripped open all of the lies that have been fed into my brain for so long, this friendship has been essential to my starting over and becoming the person I am suppose to and want to be.
I vow to always be your support. You will not ever suffer alone as long as I know you need that shoulder. I am there.
“Hope is greater than history.” - Dwight Morrow
Our Story ;sn’t Over
P<3