Yesterday was like magic. The past week has been like magic. I had no faith that a new year would bring a new feeling about life, a new vigor for thriving to my full potential, or that it would even make my situation different at all, but I was wrong. Yesterday was like a complete revitalization that everything is going to turn around for me. Yesterday gave me hope that everything can and will workout to be okay.. I am just so excited to see where everything goes from here. There have been some definite difficulties in 2019, but the last bit of the year really seemed to turn around and now as 2020 is fresh and new, I see nothing but potential for great amounts of happiness, love, and accomplishment for the future.
I know at some point things are going to go wrong and that all this happiness will probably come to a crash landing, but I will not waste the feelings I have right now waiting for the other shoe to drop. The fact that I can’t wipe the smile off my face because I am just actually happy, feels so unfamiliar, new, and delightful that I will overly enjoy every second of it. I woke up this morning and for the first time in so long I just thanked God for waking me up and simply for the things I got to wake up to this morning that make me blessed beyond any words I could ever share. Through all the shit, I still don’t deserve this life that I have been so graciously given and will not take for granted. I hope I look back on this post on the bad days so I can remember this feeling and know that it will come back, that I have more potential in life now to have what I have always wanted than I ever have.
Having bipolar is hard. This feeling could be me actually getting my shit together and having the correct medication to finally fix my jacked up brain, or this could be a manic episode. This feeling could be coming from how wonderful it feels to be in love and loved unconditionally, or this could be another ascent and crest on the rollercoaster. This elation could be from surviving the holidays and feeling a new zest to create everything I have ever wanted or this could just be a normal “up” in my not so normal life. Having bipolar means that even in your good times you don’t trust yourself that they are actually good. You are scared that this is the false set up to a huge crash that feels like it being Christmas day and your fighting so hard not to swallow a whole bottle of pills to just end the pain.
I know that everything is different now. I have no one holding me back, I have nothing to keep me from achieving what I want, I have no distractions to keep me from reaching my goals, but what do I do when it all comes crashing down? How do I keep this zest and excitement to start something new alive? How do I find faith that this year will be what I make it and if I want it to be the way the past two days have been, that it will be? My soul sometimes forgets that we are not in control of my brain. My soul wants to be happy, optimistic, and in love with people and life… My Brain Demon wants none of that. My soul wants to live a happy quiet life with a wonderful man, a family, a home, a small farm, and lots of adventure, but my Brain Demon wants no one, nothing, and to go nowhere. It is like living with an emo Priscilla on one shoulder and an extroverted, carefree Priscilla on the other, and PS they DON’T play well together. It is like they create a massive thunder cell inside my brain that clouds and controls everything that I want. Even though I am on my soul’s side, my Brain Demon is stronger than both of us plus 10 more, so we always seem to come to little to no compromise and mostly lose in the end.
I think this is why people die from depression. We have all these wants, needs, and gifts we want to share with the world but the Brain Demon takes them and snuffs them out and convinces us we can’t do it or that we are not worthy of it. We get the idea that we are happy and going to make it through the rough patch, to only get snatched back to reality, like the good was only a tease of what we could have if we deserved it, but we don’t. The Brain Demon always has a way of turning the best things into a manipulation to hurt you the deepest….. And I’ll share one of mine that I am having at the moment.
Insecurity…. My Brain Demon has bred insecurity so deep into my roots that it feels impossible to cut through. I can tell myself a hundred times that I am overreacting and that I have nothing to worry about and it doesn’t matter. My Brain Demon takes over and before you know it, I am in full out panic mode! I try to keep my insecurities locked up inside because I don’t think they are actually true or relevant, but they always seem to find a way to seep out. I try to take myself away from a situation that can hurt someone else all because my insecurity is outrageous, but I normally end up hurting someone’s feelings for something I am totally not in control of. That my friend…. Is when the Brain Demon sucks the most…. When he takes away control and hurts others because he can.
Our Story ;sn’t Over, We will #BreakTheStigma of Mental Illness