Everything lately feels like I am finally starting to take a few steps forward, and then a sinkhole comes to suck me in and I begin to stumble. I can’t seem to get out of the gloom and into the happy place to stay for any length of time. I have been having lots of happy moments lately, I am in a really good place, there are a lot of happy things happening for me, but I can’t seem to drop the Brain Demon off at the door. He is clinging to me like he has an umbilical cord attached to my deep dark places and he is hanging on as his life depends on it.
I am going through a lot of changes in my life and things I use to enjoy immensely are simmering out right now, so I am trying to listen to my brain and my body, and most importantly my heart, as it leads me down new, exciting, and quite scary paths. I like change, but new I am not so fond of. My anxiety hates unpredictability. My anxiety hates the thought that the future is not certain. My anxiety hates that I am right now deciding to put my whole life in limbo and letting that be okay. I think part of me is trying to decide why I think this is okay and the other side thinks this would be the coolest best start over ever.
I have a cover letter, resume, and references into the pool of awesome candidates for a job that would really be an amazing asset to my life and to my soul. The job would be working with one of my favorite things on the whole entire planet and being a voice to help make it grow. Scary part to that… it would require a pretty big move, a complete and total fresh start, going somewhere that I would know absolutely no one and I pretty much have little to nothing to take with me.
I love the thought of a fresh start! Going to a new place where no one knows you, no one knows your history, getting to create a totally new and fresh life and identity, that sounds exciting and refreshing…. And extremely scary and daunting. Does everyone feel that way? If I wasn’t single I think I would feel different, I would at least have my partner with me, but being single and introverted already, I am kind of scared I am setting myself up for introverted no-work life balance. On one hand, I would get to (hopefully) ride my bike safely to work everyday, I would have access to a beautiful and safe trail for walking/running/cycling and would be able to start working on my dream of buying my own land and building my own semi-tiny house. On the other, I would become a hermit, I would have to start the adjustment period of being alone all over again in a new place, I would again have absolutely nothing I could call my own but a few boxes of stuff, I really would know absolutely no one, and would be just a little further from my family than I am now.
Why am I even thinking about this yet? I don’t really have any eggs in this basket, I really do not think I am going to get picked for the position, but I do think I would be perfect for it. A single female who has an amazing work ethic and determination and no life responsibilities other than making money to survive and travel, yeah I would hire me. I don’t think that is the part that would be the biggest for me though… I am just proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort box and even applying! I am happy I even let myself have this uncomfortable moment of uncertainty. I am proud of myself for writing POSITIVE things about myself that weren’t sugar coated lies, but complete truths that I don’t ever pay attention to.
Which leads to my next point, if you asked me what I thought my best quality was I could tell you. If you asked my what I thought my most challenging quality was, I could tell you that too, but once you start asking me to brag on myself, record my achievements, or to give a record of things I have actually done right, I shut down. I can’t get it through my head that I have actually done any of that stuff or that it is important, because I have it wired in my brain that I am not good at anything so my achievements must be minuscule compared to anyone else on this planet.
I would love to get some kind of self confidence, some kind of self honoring love for what I have achieved, some kind of truce with my brain that we really are an okay human and that life should be kind to us. I have such a hard time looking in the mirror and seeing anything beyond every single physical flaw. I never even know that a kind soul exists because I cannot get through the physical to see it. I have written a post about BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder) but I am not quite ready to post that yet, but in short, BDD is real and affects the way you see yourself and the way you think others see you and completely clouds any and every good thing that could possibly be there.
I am okay with not being okay with me on the outside, I never have been, I wish I could be, but it is not something that seems achievable at the moment, but I would love to be confident in my inner being. I would love to be in love with the human that I am. I would love to see my soul and be happy with what it holds. I would love to know that I truly am an awesome person and that I truly due make a difference in other’s lives. There is a disconnect there for me. I see absolutely nothing good in what I make or create. I see nothing good in what I do and no matter what others say, I fight them tooth and nail that I have not done something good enough to be recognized.
On the outside, we can all pretend to have our shit together. On the outside we can all put on our happy faces. On the outside we can even pretend to be confident and strong individuals…. Don’t judge someone or think you know them by what they carry on the outside. The inside may be dark, bruised, and broken. That person may need an extra lift up, or a shoulder to lean on, or an extra pat on the back that is sensitive and meaningful. On the outside, for all the shit I have been through, I look like a freaking superhero. I can actually see how if anyone knew my circumstances, how they would see that, but on the inside…. Im crushed. I’m full of a million pieces that are slowly trying to heal back together. My already cracked and fragile self-esteem has been smashed by a sledge hammer, and repeatedly so, and left me with so many missing pieces I don’t know if repair is doable.
Always be the person you need in return.
Our Story :sn’t Over Friends
P<3