Webster’s dictionary says the definition of suicide is, “the act or an instance of taking one’s own life voluntarily or intentionally.” In a nut shell, that is exactly what it is, that is the surface answer of what suicide is. If you ask a variety of people, iit has a lot of other definitions, for example, “the most selfish thing anyone could do”, “the easy way out”, “cowardly way out”, and so on, but do you/we really know what suicide is from the person committing its point of view? Do you know the thoughts that run through their head when they are in their last final moments? If you have never had to experience suicide in your family or suicidal thoughts or attempts, you are truly blessed, but if you have and you don’t understand them and you are looking for answers or clarity, I hope sharing some of these very deep emotions help you.
There are many different “causes” of suicide. Everyone has their own story and I can’t dare try and put them all into one category, so I am only going to speak from my point of view and my cause is depression and anxiety. Depression can be another word that it is given a definition by matter of opinion instead of fact. The dictionary states it as a “mood disorder” that causes bouts of sadness, I tend to think of it as a chemical imbalance in the brain that is caused by not having the right amount of hormones and other important variables in the body. What I know depression is not is “just being sad”.... If you think depression is just sadness, I encourage you to keep that to yourself, especially when talking to someone with depression. That’s like the worst insult on the planet. Another word of advice… DO NOT say, “just cheer up”.... Please for the sake of me and everyone like me, do not say that to us. It is worse than any curse word you could ever call me, if I could just “cheer up” Captain Obvious, I would have done that by now. I don’t want this disorder, but it chose me and now I have to advocate for us that do.
BFF asked me last night, “What goes through your mind?” He was specifically referring to Tuesday, when I hit rock bottom so hard it was questionable if I was getting up or not. I sat there thinking, “what does go through my mind?” Honestly, so much stuff is going through your mind that you can’t understand any of it. It is like your brain is going 100mph and you are on 0. You don’t know what is going on, you can’t slow it down, and you are on a complete crash course straight into the deep, dark pit of hopelessness. The only things I really remember thinking are, “I do not want to live like this anymore” and “how do I make this stop?!”
I am full aware of what suicide does to families. When my uncle died are family felt ripped apart. We did not understand, other than mental health issues, what happened and why we all felt blind sided. That was 14 years ago, and now I am here, struggling with the same disease and I get it.
Depression Physically Hurts
I am learning a lot about my “mood disorder” as it progresses and things in my life start to shift and I am having to face the fact that you can do everything right and still have depression. What I am learning the painful way is that depression causes physical pain. I think when I am training hard and my body is already physically worn out, I didn’t notice it as much. When my life was freaking shambles everyday for 3 years, I didn’t put together that my physical pain was not coming from running from my life everyday, it was coming from the Big D. Now that I have taken a step back from training to regroup, I have found out the hard way that a lot of chronic pain I am feeling is directly related to my intensifying depression. Little did I know, that when depression comes into your brain and body, it can manifest itself in so many different ways. I don’t think most people understand this because they are not in tune with their bodies, and they are not listening to all the signals it is sending. My body is talking to me loud and clear through severe back and neck pain that intensifies with the peaks and valleys of my journey.
Suicidal Thoughts are NOT Controllable
I do not decide to have suicidal thoughts. That is not a choice I consciously make; it is a thought that comes into my head on it’s free will that says, “This is the only way to escape this feeling of uncontrollable fear. This is the only way to stop being a burden to those you love, and to your job, and your friends.” Suicidal thoughts are SCARY, especially when you don’t necessarily want to do, and when they start to feel like the only way out, they get much, much scarier.
Suicide is NOT all about Me
When the uncontrollable thoughts start to swirl, the first place I consciously go is to those my death would hurt the most. My mom pops into my head immediately…. Could my mom survive my death? What would that mean for the rest of my family? My poor sister’s life would never be the same. My mom needs to be here and at her full capacity, so I need to be here. Suicide is not always selfish, and if you chose to believe that way, I am okay with that, and I respect your opinion, but I do know in my experience, I think about every single person in my life that my suicide may effect and it does not change the feelings of desperate need to quiet my brain and save the world from watching me completely breakdown and take people down with me.
Suicide is NOT the Easy Way Out
I always try to keep an open mind to see all sides of the story. I do not like to only have one perspective on anything so I hear you when you say suicide is the easy way out, but in my point of view it is the exact opposite. If suicide was the easy way out, I would not be writing this blog to you, I would be a distant memory sent into the wind a long time ago. Taking one’s life, if you do have some mental clarity, is not an easy decision. You see everyone around you and know that your death would affect so many. You know that if you left this world in that manner, that the burdens you left behind would be so great, that someone around you’s world may never be the same again. The Brain Demon is working so hard on the brain of the person who is hurting that all they want is peace and quiet. They want all the 100mph thoughts they can’t process, and the fear, and the pain, and anxiety, and the hurt to all go away and living just seems to be too much and that is from someone who finally has everything in her life going right! I can’t even begin to express to you what it feels like when everything is going WRONG, because I have been there too!
You Have to be Mentally Insane to Commit Suicide
Well, I guess that all depends on how you look at it. In the moments of deep, darkness and suicidal thoughts, I probably am not in my best frame of mind, I think insane is a little far, but I will let you decide that. “Normal” people commit suicide everyday, that is the scary thing about depression. It is a hidden disease in people that live “normal” everyday lives but go home to a racing mind, debilitating symptoms, and only find one way to make their minds stop.
I shared all of this information not to change your mind or opinion. I want you to think with your own o=minds and come up with your own thoughts and ideas on what helps you cope with depression, anxiety, or suicide. Sometimes thinking that all of those things are the opposite of what I said helps you cope with something that has happened personally in your life and I am okay with that. I in know way want to hinder your healing process, but what I do want to do is bring awareness to the severity and unpredictability of depression. What I do want to bring is a stigma-breaking post that helps you understand that depression is not something we make up, or pretend to have, or we are just sad… No, depression is a disorder of the mind when things are out of our control, and our mind and body cannot fix them. You can have amazing health and fitness, a great home life, be financially secure, have a great job, be a pillar in your community, have the best of friends, and never want for anything, but that doesn’t stop depression. Depression is not a controllable factor and once we stop sweeping it under the rug like it is a disgrace, the sooner we can ban together to help each other combat it and not have to hide behind our suicidal thoughts, instead we can embrace and share them and find the support we need.
Our Story ;sn’t Over
P<3
