What I love about this blog is that it doesn’t matter if I sound crazy or irrational. The common theme lately is “questionable decision making skills”. Accurate. Hurtful but accurate. I feel like the extreme feelings are getting worse. I swing hard to one side or the other and I get stuck, I can step outside of myself and see what I am doing and I can’t stop it. I can’t make myself understand what is going on and how irrational my thoughts and feelings are, even though from the outside looking in, I can see it. I can see that I find my self worth in the size of my body, in the ability of my body to tough out the pain, and in my ability to have the mental fortitude of a freaking Avenger. With all that said, I will tell you about the hard stuff I decided to take on this weekend….
Two weeks ago I had a semi-minor bike accident. Bumps and bruises and the need for a new helmet were about all the damage done, except to my hip flexor. I guess I squeezed to brace for impact and strained my hip flexor. Two days after the accident I went for a 4.5 mile walk and the next day a 7.2 mile walk plus one hour at the gym halfways in between the walk. That really pissed it off, and I ended up pulling my groin. No big deal, right? Yeah try telling that to my mind. Everyday I relaxed or cut the exercise back my mirror gained 5lbs. I became the fattest slob on the planet in no time flat. The Brain Demon took FULL advantage of this time to tell me how horrible I was and ugly and fat and stupid and worthless, and I believed him because at this point, he is about all I have as far as consistency in my life.
I had planned to attempt to run/walk my first 50K this past Saturday, but with a pulled groin, running hasn’t really been an option. I decided I would walk it and I would attempt at least half of it with a 12lb weight vest on, because that would make walking harder, right? The Brain Demon thought it was a good idea so I went with the plan.
The event was a Summer Solstice all day event/fundraiser for Crohn’s and Colitis and benefited my sweet friend Pete and his TeamIndure that are precious to my heart so I was totally there! The event started at 6:05am and ended at 8:40pm. You could do as much or as little as you wanted. You could come and go as you pleased, but of course, I always have to do something bigger and better than I have ever done before. I set my eyes on my first 50k and I was hooked on the idea. The first 16 miles I walked with a 12lb weight vest on and averaged 15:15 minutes per mile, which is an amazing walk pace, much less on a trail that I was unaware of the actual; elevation of. At 16 miles, I stopped to take a long break. I wanted lunch, to put my feet up, and to cool down. Of course the temperature was a cool and crisp 91 with 1000% humidity, so it was a challenging day. I walked the first 16 alone, well I guess not alone, the Brain Demon was hanging out. When I started the next 15 mile stretch I started walking with other people, being alone wasn’t fun anymore and everyone was kind of in a suffer fest. I made it 5 more miles with the vest and then decided my body had had enough, and I got rid of the extra weight. The last 8 miles especially, were filled with amazing company. I got to meet new people and reconnect with some old friends. That is why I do this stuff… for the people, for the stories, and for the memories to get me through the bad days.
What was the significance of the weight vest? Well at first, it was to make the walk harder, it was to challenge my body and mind, but as I started walking it took on a whole new form for me. For that short amount of time, I was willingly taking the pressure, burdens, stress, sadness, anxieties off of others and wearing them for just a little while to give them some relief. I don’t think I have ever had that feeling, so the thought of doing it for others, even just mentally, made me happy and at peace and let me use the only thing I am good at, and care for others.
The last 11 miles were really tough. I was starting to get really sore, I was already dehydrated, I already had blisters, and the meanest heat rash you’ve ever seen, but none of that mattered… I was about to accomplish something that I had never done before, and in a real extreme way; I had spent 6+ hours of my day carrying the extra weight of people’s lives so they didn’t have to. I had to finish, my journey had to be completed. A 50K is 31.07 miles and Saturday I completed 31.17 miles walking in about 8.5 hours (moving time). After talking to my mom yesterday she informed me to check out my elevation, which is usually always wrong, but I looked anyways. Our elevation charts are definitely never the same but when I looked, I said, “Um, mom, my elevation says I climbed over 10,000 ft yesterday, is that accurate?!” She sent me her elevation and we came to the conclusion that we really did climb some ungodly amount of elevation in those miles!
Physical Consequences? Ha, absolutely! Blisters on the balls of both feet and yesterday my feet were so swollen I could barely walk on them, my sandals got stuck on. Literally, stuck! There is a lot of stabilizer muscle soreness and that is totally because I don’t ever walk or run trails, so my fault for not putting that into account. I have had swelling or excess fluid build up in my whole body for 2 days now, which is really uncomfortable and requires a lot of trips to the bathroom on the blistered feet. The heat rash has required me to wear pants and reminds me every time I scratch my arms that it is still there even if it is not bright red anymore.
Emotional Consequences? Isn’t there always? This was the last big thing of the year, everything else is just for fun or something I could do with my eyes closed at this point. So now I am here in the “What Now?” stage. What I don’t understand is why everything happens at once. Why does all the big stuff that gets me through the hard times end and the even harder time follow up behind it like a freaking tidal wave. How do I get myself caught up in things emotionally, that are obviously not what I want or need, but I can’t convince myself of that until my heart is crushed? I do have other goals that don’t include pushing my body to it’s limits…. don’t I? So the 'what’s next” equals a complete reset of what is important and what is best for my mind and my body because at this point I am not serving either.
Sometimes I think my brain plays the meanest, most deceiving tricks on me. My brain, or my Brain Demon, is not a rational or fair player in this game of life. I just kind of keep getting one kick after another, the hard stuff doesn’t really even help anymore, it just distracts me for a very temporary time. I guess it is time to tackle everything head on so I can start enjoying my fun, hard stuff again. As my life fell apart, doing hard stuff started becoming the only way I found self worth. “If I can do this hard thing, I am an awesome person.” “If I can’t do this, then I’ll do this because this will make it a challenge that most people couldn’t do.” It’s the only thing that makes me feel like I matter. I am mad at myself for letting these thoughts manifest themselves this bad. I have let someone else change how I view myself and feel about myself so extremely that the only time I feel that I matter or am worth anything is when I accomplish something so extreme that it takes me a long time to recover, but I get off on the pain for some reason. It makes me feel alive.
What is the next journey? The next journey is finding peace. The next journey is stepping out of my comfort zone and loving myself. I don’t know how to do that, and I do not think it will be easy. I think it will be harder than anything I have done yet, I think it is the most uncertain journey. It feels like the only thing I know how to do is exercise and work through my issues that way, which in some cases is healthy, but I have definitely taken it to far. I negative self talk so much that it is overwhelming, I can’t think of one good thing about myself other than I am a good caregiver and I have pretty eyes. That about sums up what I think good about myself. I’m going back to the mantra. Every time I say something negative, I am going back to the basics. I am going back to what I want to think is true about me.
I am smart.
I am strong.
I am beautiful.
I am perfectly me.
Just the way I am.
Our Story ;sn’t Over
P<3