The Fight to not Die

On Thursday, 2 weeks ago, I started thinking very seriously about suicide, and by the end of the day I had figured out how and when. Not only was I picking out how to die, I was already internally writing notes to my family and friends to tell them how much there love and support had meant to me but I need peace and relief and it feels like there is only one way to get that.

There is nothing scarier than waking up and being disappointed you are alive. Some mornings the only reason I get up is for the other people around me that need me to put my pretend face on and show up. The pretend face is getting harder and harder to maintain and the pretending isn't fun anymore. I currently just half-ass making it through the day to check a box and say I did it. My thoughts about taking medication have always been poor, but the Russian Roulette you play in mental health with medication is scary. I was aware medicine could increase suicidal thoughts but not make them an overwhelming, every second of every day occurrence.

I guess I have some OCD in my system as I have done more research on medication and possible mental health issues since I was referred to the psychiatrist. The harsh side effects of these medicines are overwhelming, and that I am doing most holistic approaches already, leaves me with no options but to take on the meds.

Being Diagnosed with a Disease of the Mind

I think it is hard for us as humans to be faced with issues that we cannot fix. At least for me; I am a fixer, I want to change everything because I think I can, even when things are totally out of my control, I think I can at least make an impact on the outcome. It has been a hard realization that sometimes, that just isn't true. Two weeks after being at the lowest point of my life, and eight weeks after initially seeking help, we finally had an appointment with a psychiatrist to officially diagnose what was truly plaguing my brain. I think we hear words and possible diagnosis, but until a label is put on you, you can't grasp the full validity of the problem. I feel like the stigma attached to mental health disorders / diseases / mal­functions, also make hearing your diagnosis more difficult. You want answers and help and more understanding of what's going on, but labels in general aren't wanted, but the label of having a mental illness can be a little earth-quaking. Because of stigma and uneducated, improper use of words, people do have a leary view of people with "mental illness".

I don't want a fix it pill or routine, but I do want help with the symptoms and the healing process in making my disease more manageable. When your told exercise and take these pills, you feel LOST! NO food changes? No environmental change suggestions? No peer support groups or ways to learn new or better coping mechanisms? I feel thrown into the fire on a half functioning brain trying to heal something that the side effects of the medication make nearly impossible. It is frustrating and scary, but it also just makes you feel like another person in the Que. Just one more face to push a prescription to and push out the door. If you aren't your own advocate or don't have a tribe behind you, this journey would be nearly impossible. You have to take control of your own healthcare and not feel guilty for taking control of what is best for your mind and body.

I had someone tell me Friday, it would almost be easier to be diagnosed with cancer, because the doctor's at least know exactly what to do. As with mental health it is prescription juggling, pairing, and match making all at the same time. In reality, isn't that just putting a band aid on everything?

I feel that modern medicine definitely has a place in society, but I feel we don’t integrate the approach enough. We are so busy trying to see as many patients as possible we don't ask the right questions to give the right advice. You probably shouldn't tell a workout addict they are doing great, and to keep working out without a little history. How about support groups? How about yoga or meditation or creative outlets? I just can't believe medicine and movement are going to magically" poof" things right! How do you take over your own treatment and create the best wellness plan for yourself? My brain is so scrambled, even stating my basic needs is hard. I know the things that help bring some short term relief such as- writing, long walks, naps, being with mom or Ry, but that's not a plan to healing, that's a plan for coping with the current, not getting better and then making a maintenance and safety plan.

When you are ready to kill you self, your life plans and goals mean nothing anymore, and when your brain is as sick and tired as mine has been, you don’t even know if goals are achievable any more and you just start losing hope for your future. In the midst of waiting for diagnosis I have done a lot of studying and research and have found a blog I really enjoy called bd hope. In reading and watching some of those videos and blogs I start to feel that little tinge of hope that maybe I can have a future. Maybe I can be a mom, wife, MHNP, gardener, home designer, meal-prepper, happy Priscilla. The goal seems very far fetched at the moment, but I think if I don't have some kind of hope to look forward to the future would seem really bleak., though I am fully aware that sometimes celebrating peopling at all is a win of epic proportions.

I find strength in claiming my disease, learning to live with it, and SPEAKING OUT. There is nothing worse than sitting in a small room in front of a doctor and your mother and telling the doctor exactly how you plan to kill yourself, and saying it is uncomfortable, but the thought of going to sleep and not waking up is soothing. I am not one to hide behind anything, I want to embrace my illness, I want to talk about it, and I want to share my growth with others, so they won't hide behind their diseases or disorders but will instead live well with them and be strong for others who need their story and their support.

I have manic bipolar disorder with severe depression. No, I don't scream my diagnosis to the world. I share it with the people who care about me, about mental health, and about SPAZ. I HAVE bipolar and depression, it DOES NOT have ME. I am just learning how to live well with it and stop letting the big picture of the disease, take over the little victories of everyday.

Our Story ;sn’t Over

P<3

PS.... Green ribbons are the awareness ribbons for mental health, bipolar, and depression. We will be lighting the world up green!