Fell hard, wallered in self pity, got back up, and persevered, no, not perfectly, but nevertheless, persevered...
Yesterday I fell HARD... After writing my blog post I fell apart, anxiety just totally wrecked me to the point I became completely reclusive and distant. It has never been that bad... I have never had to completely stop my life because anxiety had riddled me to the place of non-existence. What is even worse about the situation is I have no earthly clue what caused it. I HATE the thought of wallering in self-pity, but I honestly couldn't help it. I was so upset at the sight of myself closing my doors and blinds so no one would come talk to me and hiding in my bedroom that pitying myself for being in this situation was all I had left to do.
After a whole 10 minutes of this I was over it. I cannot live like this, this is not me! A short nap later I was still not really doing well, but had decided I was just going to have to get over it. I went outside to work in the yard, raking has always given me some weird satisfaction because it is easy to see your progress. Three hours and 2 clean flower beds later, I was at least feeling human again. My SIL (truly cousin in law but more like our sister than a cousin) was coming to help me with the flower beds, so she got the forewarning that I am a complete blubbering lazy crazy person who cannot control their anxiety and in turn is taking a nap before you arrive to try and rectify this situation. To my amazement, I got outside and started clearing out the flower beds before she even got here and was in much better spirits by the time she did!
As for a workout, none got done yesterday in the traditional definition, but I think that cleaning out flower beds, raking, filling the wheel barrow, and dumping it for three hours straight constitutes something. Not to include being the keeper of the flame last night at the bonfire so I picked up all the sticks and debris to use to stoke the fire.
I woke up this morning feeling better, but still not understanding what is going on with me. What got me to this point? How do I stop myself from ever getting here again?! Honest answer is, I have no clue and I am scared. I am scared that my anxiety is intensifying. I am scared that my depression is becoming more than I can handle unmedicated. I am scared that I will start having to make excuses for why I cannot do things because I will be debilitated by anxiety or depression. I want to L;VE! I want to be AL;VE! Hiding in my house because I do not have the energy to be around people is not my life's goal.
I ran this morning. It wasn't the best, it wasn't the worst, it was a run. It was a positive move in the right direction, because moving gives me the strength to l;ve.... What scares me the most is that the anxiety and depression steals my drive to move which in turn steals my drive to l;ve.... I am doing everything in my power to beat the Brain Demon... I refuse to fall down without trying relentlessly to get back up. Weeks like this week are the reason this blog, this page, this movement is here! We are all going through stuff and need a sounding board. We are scared that sharing our feelings, our worries, our illnesses, our weaknesses will get us in trouble or have us made fun of.... Not here, not today, not EVER!
Our Story ;sn't Over!
Keep On Picking Yourself Back Up My Friend!
P<3