The feelings that have been swirling around me recently are different…. The self-harm isn’t really there anymore, I have become accepting of my life situation, and in the last few months, I have met some incredible people that brighten up my days, but my Brain Demon is still always lurking around the corner. I feel like he has been lurking hard since my uncle died.
I don’t know how to grieve. I have written a post about grief before and how hard it is for people like me to do it, and now that I am in the place where grief should take place I’ve got nothing. I can’t even begin, I am still not wanting any of this to be true. I am in denial on one hand, but on the other I get it and I am accepting of it and thought I don’t like it AT ALL, I’m glad that it was quick and swift and suffering did not ensue.
It is hard for me to even write this morning. I am not really sleeping at night anymore. I toss and turn and wake up 4-5x a night just praying morning will come so I can get up, then when it does I am non-functioning and completely exhausted. Classic signs for me that the Brain Demon is pushing his way through the door. It makes me emotional because when I think I have a grip on this thing, he comes back and attacks me longer and smarter than before, I have a harder time stopping it from happening and an even harder time keep the “symptoms” at bay.
This go round he is making me feel physically ill. New characteristic that has started in the past year or so, if I recall correctly. It kind of feels like getting the flu; my whole body feels worn out, night sweats, night terrors, ear ache, headache, body aches, all around physical fatigue. I literally want to lay in my bed all day and not move, but it is purposeless because I am not sleeping! Unless it is daytime when I need to be doing real life, then my body wants to sleep.
What doesn’t help is that I am upset that my life is getting on to a track that I like, there are people in it that I genuinely care about and care about me, and I have some kind of legitimate path set out, and it doesn’t matter. What I do to get myself on track to fight all the anxieties, and unknowns, and instabilities doesn’t matter. When the Brain Demon wants to take over, he takes over and the depression flows over like a flood sucking life and energy out of my soul, making every second of everyday 100x harder to manage, but I have to manage and not only through just mere survival, but with a smile on my face not letting anyone, that I am not extremely close to, know anything is wrong. I am not really allowed to be in a “funk” or have emotions or even express them. I guess I’m just an ungrateful bitch who always has to find something to complain about and never look at the bright side of things. Yeah… if only it was that easy.
That’s like the people who say you have nothing to be depressed about or you should just be more optimistic and stop looking at all the bad. NEWS FLASH! I don’t want to feel this way! I do not want to be sad/mad/emotional/exhausted, I want to be normal! If I could stop this thing on a dime and never let my whole life be interfered with by a power that is out of my control believe me, I’d do anything to do such! I’ve put in a lot of hard work, and a lot of soul searching, and a lot of techniques and methods, and a lot of separating from people and things that aren’t good for my soul, yet here I am, stuck in the downward spiral that feels completely unbreakable. Here I am clawing my way back out of the rabbit hole that I’d much rather just sit in forever, than have the extreme highs and lows that trick me into thinking I have my shit together. Nobody wants simple tasks to be hard. Nobody wants to freak out because they cannot have control of their brain, I know I am okay, safe, loved, and important, but the Brain Demon lets the doubt creep in. It is like a toxic gas that fogs my brain and kills all the happy cells it takes so long to form. It feels like it takes me 3x as long to get my brain back to happy and healthy, as it does for the Brain Demon to swoop in and kill all my hard work.
I have been putting a lot more time into my writing, which I have really enjoyed. It has been a big part of my recent successes in finding a good wholesome path physically and emotionally. I try to wake up early every morning to give my brain time to use the best creative juices first thing, because by nighttime, I’m done. Because of the no sleeping, I have had a harder time waking up, I have had a harder time writing, and I have had a harder time even enjoying my workouts as I am almost too exhausted to do them and early morning workouts you can almost forget because flu like symptoms and workouts don’t mix.
Depression is hard. Depression is so hard. Depression is almost too hard. I want to be able to control it. I want to be able to at least have some kind of grasp on it so it is not running my whole life when it comes to take over. Yes, say what you will, “Just don’t let it” or “Stop seeing the glass half empty”, once again if it was that easy, do you seriously think I would be here writing this ramble about depression so I can merely try and fight him by exposing him. I’m writing a ramble so that he doesn’t win by taking away what I love to do. I love to write about feelings, and the feelings of depression are raw and real and self destructing and when written about so enlightening and freeing. Depression is not someone causing “drama”, people with depression are not being “drama queens”, at least in my case, the feelings are completely uncontrollable and unstoppable, believe me I’ve tried, and normally I can’t really tell they are taking over until it is almost too late and they have already damned me to my house dungeon.
I beat myself up a lot. I give myself more shit than anyone else could ever give me. Why are you so lazy? Why are you so sad? Why don’t you just go workout, you are being a baby! Why are you tired you haven’t done anything? You have nothing to be emotional about, why can’t you get your shit together? That is just a few of the daily dialogues I have with myself on the daily when the depression rolls into town, because even though all the symptoms are the same, he always comes in a different form, and I always miss it until I have morning like this morning where I am barely functional and BING! the big D is here, and it ain’t the good kind…
The other thing I hate about the Brain Demon is he makes me hyper sensitive, indicator number one that the Big D is about to take me on a ride through the lows. I take criticism well, I listen to what others have to say and can normally pick out the parts that are important and leave the parts that could be destructive out, but when the Brain Demon is here nothing is safe. I genuinely don’t want to be around people because I am so sensitive that everything affects my feelings, even unintentionally, and that isn’t fair to them. Things that aren’t side to be hurtful, but in their minds, helpful, cut deeper than anything ever should. I don’t hold grudges, but sometimes it does falsely effect the way I see them after that.
I guess this ramble could go on forever, but now that I’ve got the juices flowing I do feel somewhat better. Here is the time for a good reminder… You do not know what people are going though. Be kind, be caring, compassionate, and don’t judge someone and their temperament or what they choose to do just because you wouldn’t do that or don’t understand it. We all have our own coping mechanisms to life that may be weird but save us from ourselves. If someone decides to share feelings with you, don’t downplay them and tell them how they are wrong. They might be wrong to you, but they aren’t wrong to them. I will let you know by my tone and body language if I want feedback, but if I just choose to share information with you to just let it free from my soul, please just listen. That’s what I need in the moment… Someone to hear me.
Our Story ;sn’t Over Friend!
The fight is just getting started….
P<3
