Hello SPAZ Movement Followers….
No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth, I have not gone rogue, and no, I most certainly I have not forgotten about SPAZ it’s followers or our cause! Actually, I have spent more time than ever representing, supporting, and living our cause than I have ever before!
In the few months hiatus I have taken a lot has happened…. I did not want to stop blogging and sharing what was going on in the life of anxiety and depression, but it was so overwhelming it was unwriteable. I could not mentally form the words I wanted to say to you all, and the thoughts were so dark and deep that you all would have panicked at the sight of the thoughts going through my head. So, at the sake of being raw and saying entirely too much (which I normally do) I have decided to share with you what has been going on in the last 6 months and some of the feelings associated with it. Hold on tight, it may be a roller coaster ride…
Before the holidays, (my blog posts also reflect this) I started really tanking… My depression and anxiety were at an all time low and I was barely treading water. My marriage had been failing before it even began (but love can save anything right?), my grief from my grandfather’s death was weighing heavy on my heart, and with the Brain Demon in full on attack mode, I was OVERWHELMED! Hard choices had to be made to save my own life. I know that sounds very exaggerated, but the sad thing is that it isn’t…. I was at the lowest point of my life, everything around me had changed.
I had been lonely and unsupported for so long, struggling through life alone with heavy baggage was sucking the life out of my entire spirit. Every day I had what my mom calls my “sad eyes” because I was exhausted, emotionally drained, and just plain sad. I was having frequent bouts of depression that were causing me to barely get out of bed and the anxiety was a 10 out of 10…. Something had to give. I’ve never been a person who thought of themselves first, not how I was raised and not how I like to roll through life, but in this instance, I had to save my OWN life. I had to be my number one priority or I wasn’t going to be one at all.
I decided to take the ultimate jump for my health, sanity, and quality of life… I went out on my own and decided to build a new and better life for myself. The life I was living with no quality, constant stress, and endless bouts of anxiety and depression was killing me, literally, and dragging all of the fun and zest out of life. Taking the leap to leave was the biggest and scariest decision I have ever made. I was ashamed, defeated, and embarrassed. Exactly what I did not want for my life, was unfolding before my eyes and I was a failure. That did NOT help the anxiety and depression but in the end, I knew the decision that had to be made in the best interest of my life and well-being, so I took the leap….
I found an old farmhouse (what I have always wanted), I started going to therapy and working on my life and my inner self (not just putting out the fires of the weekly whirlwinds I was having), I re-dedicated myself to my training and listening to my body, and I decided that no matter, I have to be my number one priority. If something isn’t a positive and serving factor in my life, it cannot stay. I took a leap that helped me realize so many things. I lost myself so long ago I forgot so many things that I once loved and loved about myself. I put so much energy into things that were just sucking my batteries dry, that I had let so many opportunities to be recharged by others go by.
Tomorrow wraps up a chapter of my life… Tomorrow gives me an opportunity to work really hard to prove to myself that no matter what it thrown at me in life, with God, family and friend support, and self care I can tackle anything… even a 140.6 that should have broken me in the deepest, darkest times of my life. Tomorrow I prove to myself that I am unstoppable, that no one or nothing defines me, I am who I AM BECAUSE I AM ME!
Positive Vibes My Friends
Our Story ;sn’t Over
P <3
