Sometimes in life we have to make decisions. Sometimes in life we have to decide between what we want and what we need. Sometimes in life, we have to choose between what our “life” picture was and what it is going to become. Sometimes in life we have to decide between what is easy and detrimental and what is hard but necessary. Sometimes we have to pick up all our broken pieces, sweep them into a bag, and put them on our backs. Sometimes we get so caught up in taking care of others, lifting others up while letting ourselves drift down, and putting ourselves on the back burner that we disappear. We become a shell of a body that breathes and lives and takes care of everyone else and loses their shine. We forget who, what, and why we are who we are.
I never in a million years saw my life going where it has. I never would have thought that anxiety would riddle my life with 1,000,000 extra challenges. I never thought that I would ever completely forget who I am. I don’t know who I am, I don’t know what my goals in life are (or the ones I do have I have put to far back for too long), I don’t know where the path in my life is going, I don’t even know what my daily routine should be, but with all of the uncertainty I do know one thing… I am the priority again and it is so freeing and instantly creates a sense of calm and peace.
For the majority January, I was at an all time low. Quietly getting all of my affairs in order low. The darker the thoughts, feelings, and emotions got, the more I sank into a place of desperately needing someone, something, anything to make me feel warm, comforted, human, alive…. I always shared my normal, “I’m not okay” with my close family and friends that understand me, but they were not aware of how “not okay” I was. I was out of control. Circumstances I never thought I would be in, had become to much for me to bare any longer. The life of instability, chaos, confusion, and uncertainty had taken its toll and I was now thrashing around on the very rocky bottom.
This morning while I was running I thought about a few things to share on the blog today. The above paragraph was one thing, but the next thing will be blunt, and hard to type, and hard to hear, and NEEDED.
When I was having thoughts of ceasing to exist on this planet, my family is what kept me alive. What I am about to share is much deeper than that, it is much more raw and cut throat. When someone commits suicide they are as I said above, ceasing to exist on this planet. Their hurt is over, their body is gone, and their soul is wherever you choose to believe a tortured soul goes. But more than one person dies that day. Suicide always equals murder suicide, just in a definition that isn’t used in the law books.
When someone commits suicide they kill all of the close family and friends around them. A piece of them dies with the person they couldn’t love enough, or help enough, or care for enough. Once that person makes the move, it is no longer about them. It is everyone else that has to live in the sadness, guilt, shame, and devastation of the unpreventable act. One body has an official death certificate while 10 lifeless bodies wish they did.
So when I think about how I’ve just about had enough, how bad I am hurting inside, or how better this world may be without me I think about this….
-My Mom: Might as well cremate us at the same time
-My Dad: He would survive, but unlike any other death, he would grieve, inconsolably, for a long time.
-My Grandmothers: Both would die of a broken heart and rid this words of their beautiful hearts and spirits
-My Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins: Would have to start the suicide grieving process all over…. And wonder why all their efforts to help were in vain
-My Closest Friends: Would wonder why they didn’t see how bad it was, how dark it was, how detrimental their support was. They would live with the guilt of feeling like they didn’t do enough to save me.
I know from experience the impact is WAY wider than that, but these are the ones that really stick with me in my head. One selfish act to save myself, kills 10+ people, not including me…
Last week was hard, but in a different way. The toxic environment that was breeding all of the negative energy and soul sucking feelings is now gone. I became strong enough at the lowest of low to realize the only one that can save me, is me, and in order to do that, I had to make drastic changes for me. So yes, last week was hard but it was hard because I don’t know who I am anymore. It’s kind of like meeting a total stranger and trying to live with them. I don’t know where I am going but I do know that in 7 days the anxiety level has dropped tremendously, the inner peace I feel is calming the fact I have no clue what my life is right now, and I absolutely love coming home to the beautiful, serene nature and peacefulness of my surroundings.
I have a lot to work on, I have a lot of demons that are hiding and need to be talked out. The first demon is making myself the most important priority in my life. If I am not a priority to me, I can’t be a priority to anyone else. I have to find my goals again and stop pushing them to the back burner. Every time I push one of my goals back, I internally tell myself I am not the priority and we can’t strive to make that happen. So in the hope that this will keep me accountable, I am going to share a few of the important goals big and breakdown of them that I am currently working on as of this week.
Gardening & Composting
Sign up for gardening program
Sign up for local free gardening workshops
Buy outdoor compost bin
Buy/build above ground garden boxes
Finish 140.6 in 14:49
Keep on the training plan
Stay accountable for workouts
Swim consistently
Strength Train properly
Focus on proper nutrition
Finding my new normal
Find a set schedule
Find times in the day to take a moment and breathe/meditate
Set a daily schedule and stick to it! Do not accommodate to inconvenience yourself
Make daily list of tasks
I decided 3 out of 7 to work on this week is okay with me. We pick different ones next week when we are ready to do so and not overwhelmed.
It took a lot to write this post. It is scary to tell people you’re hurting. It is scary to tell people you need help, support, motivation, accountability, a hug, a bouquet of flowers, whatever, but sometimes you just have to do it, and it feels so much better when you do.
Our Story ;sn’t Over My Loves!
P<3