Pregnancy, Bipolar, Depression, Courage, and Ultimately LOVE
I haven't written on my blog in a very long time, which is actually very sad to me. I find that even though the topic maybe be kind of "controversial" I somehow find a way to make the words understandable, relatable, and heart touching for those who need support. I feel like when I am not writing, I am kind of missing a calling for me. I hate that and I am sorry for those around me who need the support that I am struggling to bring lately. Life has been so busy (horrible excuse) that I find myself struggling sometimes to have the energy for the things I love to do. Thank God snuggling is a household favorite so if that is all I have left in my cup at the end of the day, it is loved and appreciated.
Pregnancy and Bipolar I/Depression
The conception of our son was planned and very wanted (isn't that sad as a young woman I feel I have to preface things with that)! If you have read any of my posts before, I have always struggled with the thought of getting pregnant and passing on a broken brain or a Brain Demon to my child, but with a lot of therapy and time on my medication living pretty well with my disease, we were ready to add on to our family and were content with where we were in life to bring a baby into it.
My decision has not changed or wavered.... This little boy I am growing inside my body is a miracle and loved beyond any amount we thought we could ever love someone! I can't even imagine what will transpire when we get to see him in the flesh.
I am beyond blessed that I have had a super smooth pregnancy, literally perfect. Nausea the first 12 weeks were about the only hardship we have had. Waddling and flailing to get off the couch have become new issues, but ones I take pleasure in since it's my little man causing it. Bipolar and Depression have been very different while pregnant. We did decide that I would stay on medication to make sure I stayed healthy for myself and our child, but pregnancy seemed to actually be helping with my Brain Demon. Sure, I have had the occasional episode or two of depression keeping me hiding under the covers or at least making the days super hard to get through, but nothing really overly concerning and the break from suicidal ideation has been MUCH appreciated!
I find myself here at 28 weeks, the third trimester EEKKKKK, struggling to cope with the world outside of my protective home walls. I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to socialize, I want to hermit in my bed and never come out. I just want to snuggle my son and the love of my life and never ever come back out. It physically hurts to be alive at this moment in time. The depression pain has set into my joints, my head, and made my already kinda wobbly body more sore and disorganized.
I struggle with having depression while going through the biggest blessing in my life. I struggle with having depression while I literally live the absolute BEST home life anyone could ever ask for! I struggle with depression while being so overwhelmingly happy about where my life is and who I am surrounded by, that I honestly last night thought will I wake up one day from a coma and this will have all been a dream....
The Good Stuff
Yesterday I had a decision to make. Therapy has been a lifesaver for me and has changed me. It has helped me grow and learn how to, maybe sometimes but not often, put myself first. (I find that a little easier to do with our son inside my body.) I had a doctor's appointment an after struggling for three+ days to function, I spilled the beans about how bad I was feeling. I told her I thought I needed some time to completely disengage. I asked her was taking time off work a bad thing and how bad of a person it made me feel like. It was a HUGE step for me to even consider this to even be an option. I was surprised when she insisted that yes, I take time off to take care of me and our baby. So in this huge pile of depression and crappy feeling and pain and disappointment in myself, I did something right! That feels like a miracle in itself!
Ultimately Love
I have the absolute best family, blood and chosen, that anyone could ever ask for. The love I feel is sometimes staggering for me to comprehend. Why the people I am surrounded by love a broken, fucked up, scrambled egg brain head like me, I will never ever know, but I am so thankful for it. Ry is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me and I will never ever be able to repay him for all the love ad support he has given me. He has truly made my life a fairytale and getting to watch him be a dad to our son is the most precious gift God has ever given me!
Morale of the Story
No matter what life looks like for those around you, ask them if they are okay, and make sure they know it is safe to tell the truth. Yes, I have been diagnosed and medicated, but so many others haven't and they are struggling in silence and don't know what to do! Many times, they just need someone to listen. Be a listening ear, be aware of the silent of depression, and don't let mental health have such a debilitating stigma around it!
Our Story ;sn't Over <3
P